lost in words...............

dewali mela

2011-07-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

the flickering candles, bursting crakers
and its deafening roar.........
...all the trivial traditions we try to conjure .....
...coz.....still a tiny cord ties us to our families .......
......a part we all left back there....
...no matter were wee roam.....
.....can lights really light up our lives ??????
......all in the vain to make a house a home................

maahh......eclipse of my heart

2011-06-17T04:23:00.000-07:00

So ………….you are in love with the moon???? How did that happen?????

I had a pond at the back of my house………
…and one day …rather one beautiful night …
..I saw the moon shining brightly ….right there at my backyard…

.. dazzling with its lunatic laughter……
..mesmerizing by its luminance …
… softly complained…

…what are you doing there inside the house??? Come out ………play with me…..

………….and I fell in love with the moon…
…just like that …
..that very moment …
….that very second….
.unknowingly …
..unaware of the penalties of loving something such ethereal…so beautiful…..brilliant…… captivating…..something so unreal !
….it forced me …
…force !!!!!
force is a rather rude word…
..it compelled me to appreciate its beauty ....
…the fragility…....
.......the elusive beauty of this world and beyond…..
.......something I thought was beyond my comprehension…
...…..my logic …reason…..proof……evidence….reality……

……..everything got washed away………..by the flooding moonlight !

……and I fell in love with the reflection of the moon in my backyard pool………..

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. "
Oscar Wilde

I have tried a million times to remain positive about this………

……..not to have any sad feeling……

…..but everytime I think about it ….i fail….

............and the shadow of sadness eclipse my heart.

I know.......
………..it was never mine from the very beginning……
So….why am I sad?
…..why am I contemplating over things which was not mine?.....

...........was never meant to happen from the very first…………….

………….it is not mine ………

…..not hers……

…not theirs……

……..it is of somebody else……

….somebody beyond this world………

…….not to anybody in this world that we live in………………

Of course it is there in each and everybody……it belongs to everyone…..!
And since it belongs to everyone and everyone indicates infinity…it divides itself into infinite parts…..and therefore everyone gets a part of nothing……

........I know.......

....yet.......

.......still........

So….what are you jealous of kid?
…the affection?
…..the caring?
…..the attention?
…..darling be smart enough to understand that it was not exclusive……

….the moon belongs to everyone ……

…..it showers equal amount of kindness, affection, attraction, closeness with everyone.
…so….what are you complaining about????what were you thinking?
……that you are special? That you meant something different? That you hold a special place there???????
…..no…. you are not.

…you are just as same as everyone else is……………

You are just one among the millions!

Hurting words? ….might be…..
Crushes up your ego?.....it should be crushed…..
Heart breaking? …………….it was meant to be broken dear!

…………you are just one among the millions!!!

Moon ….it shines on everyone yet it sparkles for none…

.......everybody appreciates its beauty…..

....everybody wants to own it ……

......everyone thinks it rises of him only …..

......everyone tries to monopolise it…some try to use it…..

......some even toys with the idea of making it a playmate….

........everybody is free to think and feel what they feel like ….

.......they have the same and equal right to appreciate it …

.....enjoy its beauty …

…free to think that the moon is theirs……
…….and they can rightfully do so……
Coz the moon belongs to them just as much it belongs to you darling…….

…now…now…now……

…just because you have fallen in love with the reflection doesn’t mean the reflection will start loving you back…..it loves none…..

…and when there is no mutual exclusivity, there cannot be love …..its just plain reflection…..
………please don’t fall in love with the reflection……the reflection wont bother back……
…it doesn’t care……
….it doesn’t matter…….
……it doesn’t care how much you weep….how far you get insulted……how badly you get hurt…….no matter how every moment of every single night and day you think about it….dream of it…..wrench your heart and soul ….

.....it will remain and will always remain ........

….just a reflection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…..it will continue to wane and wax according to its own calendar…its luminosity or darkness has its own schedule irrespective of whether you like it or not…….
…your love is insignificant ….trivial…..expendable…..most importantly …..it makes no difference at all !

please dont fall in love with the reflection of the moon in the pool of your backyard......!

..............but I already did.......................

Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

2011-06-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

There was a seed. He was quite oblivious to his own existence, until a very fine day he was dropped on earth.

….and he screamed…………….
”where on the name of God have I landed?????’

……he wondered and wondered….and got petrified …
…..unaware of such hardships before…
…before this…..he was blissfully sleeping within the quiet comfort of a fruit……
..and suddenly…
.. rather rudely……………..
..something woke him up….and thrashed him on this hard rock!

……” how is someone supposed to live here on his own??????
There’s no water………
…….the soil is too harsh…
….its damm hot out here…
…..where’s the shade to cool down??????????????
How am I going to even survive over here?????????????”

….the more he thought …more helpless he felt and gradually that helplessness got converted into frustration, anger and fear……………..all emotions jumbled up in a single frame …………as he was rustled up

photosynthesis.......and other things

2010-12-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

When I saw you standing there
I about fell off my chair
When you moved your mouth to speak
I felt the blood go to my feet

Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just cried
I see the want in your blue eyes

Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want you, the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be

You told yourself years ago
You’d never let your feelings show
The obligation that you made
For the title that they gave

Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want to , the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be

Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just cried
I see the want in your blue eyes

Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want to , the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be

‘Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?’

2010-06-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

let me put this straight first..............
I m not at all in love with you................
even if I say I do....................
I m not in love with you .....................
not a bit.......nor a byte...............
I m not at all in love with you !

m I out of my mind ?
just because I look over your pictures...pictures taken by you .....of you ...
(I mean ...whats the difference????????????
both are equally magnificent creations !!!!!!!!!!!
.............isnt it ?)
just because I see them a million times.............and yet again ???
and every time I take a break from work ......I look at those and feel like transported to that world ....and let out a secret sigh , I m in love with you ??????
you gotta be kidding me !

I m not at all in love with you ...................
not an inch...............not a mile .......................
even if I say I do..............................
I m not at all in love with you ...................!

I m positively....absolutely....definitely........not in love with you.......
even if I think you are sexier than Brad Pitt....more deliciously handsome than Keanu Reeves.....and even more ridiculously charming than Hugh Grant !!!
and that every time I see you .............I go weak in knees......n every time I see that glint......that sparkle in your eyes.....that killing smile (....you gotta stop smiling immediately...........I mean they should arrest you for it ............I mean how many more casualties do you want ??)

and every time I look at you ..............or even think of you ...............my heart skips a bit ............Jesus !!!!!!!!!!!! have mercy !!!!! I
gotta see a doctor...I mean its so difficult to breathe, so impossible to stay calm and my hands starts to tremble ...........
Lord ! m I suffering from anemia ???

love you ?????
its more like I hate you ..............
I really hate you for ...................for ................well..........
.....for mostly living the life I always wanted to live................
……. Coz it was you who fired my imagination……
…. And I started to live my life through you …
… One who is doing the things I always dreamed of doing …. Going places I always wished to go……
… doing what you feel like doing…
… having the personality I always aspired to have…..
this burning envy that’s there within me .......may be still has stayed back......
and when you envy so much about a person …….a part of that person lingers back in your heart …………..and more you envy the more larger part stays behind ………..and slowly it grows and matures and starts having a life of its own ……………..and you start imagining things that you know you should not …….you mustn’t ………….you cant ………..and then there’s the point when the real trouble begins ……….point where you start talking to yourself in your head with another person. Normal people call those first symptoms of going nuts …..
but poets ….
…..hmmm …..
they are different ……
…..they call it falling in love ……!
……crap…!!!!!!!!!!!
………. these poet people are psycho!!!!............. I should stay away from them.
It’s a really dangerous if you ask me ………arguing with oneself ……….you will never know who will win or may be more importantly ….you don’t know whom you want to win!!! whose side you are on?!?!

Finally………….
I know inside my head - that you don’t …..yet inside my heart - I hope that you do …
…and probably in reality you don’t even know I exist in this stupid world …
…but still I do …
.. I want to……
I would love to ……
……I know I won’t dare…. ever ……coz I have been burnt once n I m too afraid to try it again or may be too mortified …
…I don’t know ………

May be you will know ….
…….may be you don’t …
…..…may be you already know and don’t care…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To me …you will always be that wonderful guy who could do anything he wished for and had the courage to pursue his own dream…..that cool dude……who still has a sensibility to appreciate the poem “wear sunscreen”……who still stumbles and chuckles out a wonderful laughter when a silly nervous obsessive fan calls up and soothes out her tension by agreeing with her silly ideas……
…….you are a great guy ! May your tribe increase ………!
……so…..
….yet ……
….I will always be your researcher who still turns back and gives a second look whenever she sees a black pulsar 150dtsi….

…….still …………..!

‘After all this time?’.........‘Always,’ said Snape.

2010-06-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

“I used to think the past was dead and long gone……
I was wrong …so wrong………………”
- Robert Pattinson

and she thought she has grown up…….
That …..she has grown over him……….
Got over him…………………
The madness……….
The trembling of hands…….
The pain so deep….that sometimes its hard to even breathe
The passion……..
The addiction………
Her eccentricity………
Her insanity……….and may be even more …………
That even after 15years she still go weak in her knees and starts grinning like a cheshire cat whenever she hears his name …………
………….and she thought it was all gone ?????

he was a part of her life…her insignificant, ordinary life……and she lived for him…..one might say that she’s crazy…insane to believe in a fictional character and falling head over heels in love with a person who doesn’t even exist…..
exist ?????
well……to her he does….in her head…in her heart…for she loved him so much…….that she made him up in her head….to fall in love with all her heart…….
Crazy ????
Cheesy ????
Guess its both…..she was crazy about him…..may be even more than just crazy…..

You see….she was a peculiar kid…..a 14 year old falling in love with a FBI agent……how odd does it sound?????
….odd????
…..do you think she really cared?
…does anybody care?
…..does anyone ever cares about the world when they fall in love ???
…the world just seemed to freeze in front of her eyes whenever she thought of him……..the class, the classmates, teachers, annexation of Aurangazeb to the throne, chemical composition of ammonium hydrochloride, all…..all seemed to just disappear with the velocity of light and a man would appear out of nowhere wearing a long dark overcoat with a gun in his hand…..shouting ….”FBI…….. drop your weapons……….”
……hell !!!!!!!!!!!
who needs a gun????
……his eyes were enough to kill anybody!

She never concealed it from anyone about her craziness for him …….but nobody really understood the extent of this madness…the impact he had on her thoughts….and she couldn’t make anyone realize that……may be she never wanted to ….
For most of the time she kept it to herself…..and when all her classmates would seriously discuss about how handsome Madhavan looked in Seahawks or how romantic Salman was in Hum Aap ke hain kyon……..she could only imagine her hero………tall, brooding, on a constant struggle to find out the truth, his relentless quest to prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life-form on this earth……………to her he was the most extraordinary…unlike any other hero anyone can imagine of……he was her very own absolutely personal brand of super hero !

Well………..every form of insanity starts to show its first symptoms at some point of time ……..it begins somewhere……
It all began on a winter night of Saraswati puja when she was in class eight may be …she and her brother sat down to catch up the latest show they heard…. Her bro told about the show which was about extraterrestrial life, mutant bugs, UFO’s, alien abduction, sorcery, occult, reincarnation, psychic connections, artificial intelligence, government conspiracy and all sorts of such crap…..all sorts of craps that she loves to read…..
So she watched it ……
And that night she couldn’t sleep…..at all…………
….all she could think of that person…..being so courageous, so intelligent, so passionate, yet so stubborn, so vulnerable, so determined, so compassionate, so witty, so extra-ordinarily brilliant…….everything about him fascinated her…..everything drew her towards him….slowly and surely…..
and before she could realize it,
before she could fully comprehend it,
before the truth could really seep in …
…..she had fallen in love with him…
…….”irrecoverably ..unconditionally in love with him”……..

…and with each passing week …the insanity started to grow inside her……
…and one day she watched him cry……saw him breakdown……saw his passion
…the love and the unadulterated affection towards his partner……
the way he was desperate to save her……
the way he could go any length just to make sure she’s all right…..
the way he felt sorry, guilty, responsible about what happened to his partner….
the way he thought he had lost everything……
and then the smile….
….the smile……..
…..wow……..!!!
…….that heart-warming, sincere, genuine smile that dazzles up the entire room with the brilliance of thousand sunshine when he got her back…….
the way he never lost his faith…..made him…
well…..made him more human……
……that even if he is strong and stubborn, he is just as vulnerable and susceptible to pain and fear of losing and yet man enough to pick up the broken pieces and start all over again when everything was lost in fire……

you see…..he was an utter failure……
he could never solve a single case in his entire career….
…….he could never prove what he believed in ……..
and that he would always come so close to the truth to ultimately believe in the lie…
…..but …
…still…
…..what made him a hero was that he never gave up…..
……..neither did he stopped trusting his beliefs…….
………nor did he stop loving Scully …..no matter how hard it was to carry on…….

You see……
you can worship a hero….
you can be a fan of a person who can do anything he wants…….
but to fall in love ???????
………to fall in love you need to see their weakness, their Achilles heel, their point of vulnerability……their emotions which make them a human…..

So that night ….when he lost everything….she realized for the first time …how deeply madly truly she had fallen in love with him….the empathy she felt for him…….like she wanted to be a part of his life ….share his sorrows, admire his passion for work…what she felt was this indomitable, uncontrollable urge to express her emotions…….to say it out loud how she felt about him……and let everyone know that she had fallen in love…….

…….in that urge…in that undefeatable urge to let it out …….she took help of two inanimate objects…..paper and a pen ……and wrote what happens to be her first ever declaration of love.
Like I said ….she was a peculiar child !
One after the other…..and the other….and it grew like a habit ….like it was a part of her life to write about him, to him, for him…….how much he meant to her….how much she adored him, worshipped him, fantasized about him, how she loved his virtues ……and vices even more……..
…what was more fascinating was that writing to him was so easy, natural, effortless…..that she could go on writing ……..like every song seemed to fit perfectly to what she was feeling, every passionate sonnets, stories she read seemed to be relevant…..and she would quote them in her letters….every detailed emotion…….
….well…she is no Stephanie Meyer…….neither was her passionate letters any match for the Twilight…..but to her ….he was her very own Edward Cullen……..

(Wooo…..hooo…………timez up !!!!!!!!!!!
If I let her ……well……she can go on and on and on for another 376927 million more words!!!!! ……god!!!!!!!!!!!!…..can’t she ever stop !!!!! I can’t let that happen……I m running out of time …….so …to cut the long story short ……I have to intervene ……hey …its my blog …..I can do whatever I want ……anyway……so the story goes like this……)
She fell in love….wrote to him….saw his work…..fell more deeply in love…..almost outrageous irreversible type of love…..and then the show stopped….she cried for a few days…..let her heart out in those silly letters…..and then there was her class X finals…..now…writing love letters can’t make you pass in chemistry ? can it ? so like all predictable love stories this too was slowly annihilated by time…
…..but that’s not what my real intensions were in sharing it in this space……
……what she never told …rather avoided it so efficiently was that how she was in trouble …..or to put it in this way ……was in mortal danger because of him….because of her uncontrollable urge ……..
…..I was about to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…………..when ???? after another 14 years ????
………if you just let me ……….
…….fine!……..go ahead …….you have another 15 minutes……

Its so long time back……it just feels like another era altogether……
Well…….just like every crack head who falls in love wants the picture of their loved ones……and that was where the whole trouble began……life was not as smooth and filled with information like it is now ……during her time, at that age, very few had the knowledge of internet and even less had the free access to it…….yeah ….I know it seems like medieval age where the only source of information was the encyclopedia of your school library or the newspaper……or the dictionary ……..none of them helped in finding out the picture or any sort of information about him…..she got the full form of FBI, knew what alien abduction means, read in the magazines about the UFOs, area 51, but nowhere……absolutely nowhere she could find a picture of him……newspapers that time didn’t publish pictures of some unknown hero of some silly American serials….times were different around those times…….
..and then one fine morning……….
……her best friend whispered the information…….there is a picture of Fox Mulder on the magazine of Cosmopolitan! They featured a story on him!
………but what about the rest of the content??????
She was innocent (at least that time….) but not that naïve not to understand the dangerous and explosive adult contents in the same copy!!!
………she just flipped over the idea……
…there’s no way !!!!!
…….how could she ?????
……but she has to …she had to ……..
………...love makes the most timid shy girl desperate to the extent which even she refuses to believe……. .!
….she asked her friend…..would you please come along ?
……she scowled …….you gotta be mad you know that? How could you even have the courage to go to the stall and ask the magazine man for that? Think of your reputation!
To hang with reputation !!!!!!!!! She thought. She NEED the pictures.
Life’s lesson no. 614: when someone tries to dare you, you get even more desperate!
Planning part was easy! All she had to do was to save up a couple of week’s pocket money (Rs. 50 to be presise) and has to go far away from home to a magazine stall where no one knows her!
The actual ….most dangerous part was…… the execution.
she never broke any norms before ……or for that matter had ever done anything inappropriate or outrageous ….ever !!!!! so imagine the rush …..the exhilaration …the pure untainted adraline rush pushing her …….and ……she decided not to speak anything as her voice trembled , she stopped breathing….as she picked up the magazine from the display without looking at the man she just pushed the note to his hand and walked away so slowly as it was as normal as buying tomatoes from the bazaar…….while from inside she was shaking out of terror and panic, what if the man calls back and enquires her being underage or anything???
…….well …..the maneuver was as smooth as silk except for the near panic heart attack inside her! Rest all was euphoratic joy of celebration!!!!!
Pictures ……those wonderful pictures …….those mesmerizing enchanting pictures of him she coveted so much !!!!!! (yeah…..of course she gorged over the rest of the content also….but that’s not important here…..) she looked at those pictures for a million times yet they were not sufficient to satisfy her thirst…….she kept her magazine in her school bag……the safest place in her home coz she carries it to school and when she’s at home its under her table where no one looks but her……and the bonus of keeping it with her was that she could gaze at them whenever she wanted…….it felt like heaven!!!
But happiness …like any other strawberry ice-cream doesn’t last long……
And ……on another not so fine morning ……..heaven metamorphosed !!!!
…….it was all about the geometry box…….!
After having an exhausting session of algebra, her dad thought of lighting up the air with a wholesome dose of drawing the angles (yeah … as if like the sole existence of our happiness depends on it!)…..and while she was busy with those mysterious unidentifiable numbers, her dad got all emotional and offered to help and bring the box…..he asked….where do you keep it ?
and before she could realize it,
before she could fully comprehend it,
before the reality, the implications could really seep in …
…..she replied…its in my bag, dad, beneath the table …….

dialectics....

2010-05-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Let me first confess….its really tough to handle one thing at one time, let alone writing about three guys at the same time with equal attention and affection if you may ask!!!!!!!!!
I want to write about all three of them ………….that’s true!
But I have only one brain and ten fingers ………and that’s also very true!
So whom to write about first????????????
Tough question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you ask me…… its really difficult, not only to pick the first one, but also to write about him…..mostly because:
1) lack of time ,
2) lack of energy,
3) lack of access to net,
4) more importantly ………lack of talent (that will be me…..my lack of talent to be precise!)
……and therefore making it really hard and difficult to decide for the optimal utilization of resources!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm………..now lets see……………..
1. Fox Mulder ………….I was crazy about him…..I still am…………..!
2. Photographer……………I hate him for the fact that I like him so much…..still do!
3. Rookie………I owe him…..but the real reason?…hmm…I like talking about him!

So…… the very fact that I m writing about this person first…….
and him alone……………..
clearly shows my …should I say…..favoritism? or partiality to one person ……
……..Reason????
Don’t ask …..I don’t know either……
…..when I do I will let you know……
….till then accept the fact that I m partially blind to one particular person!!!!!!
Can’t help it dear ……
……so ……………
………………make room guys …here he comes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well………………now………………

Some times I think I know him ………..some times I think I don’t …………….
Some times I hope he likes me………………some times I fear that he won’t ………..
Sometimes I think he likes talking to me ……and some times I get “there’s no new sms in your inbox”……………
Sometimes he seems to be a simple nice guy…….sometimes a paradox!!!!!!!

And there’s no cracking this complex puzzle written in an unfathomable code …..I can just hope that he is compatible with my format!
you know……
.. in life…
… there are sometimes when you just forget …whether.. if your liking is reciprocated with the same fondness or not …
And that…………
…….just liking some one gives you such a pleasure and consumes you with such contentment that every other detail just seems unnecessarily redundant.
…and….
………when you start to like some one for the simple reason that liking him makes you feel good …..and you like to talk to him for no other reason but that you like talking to him…………..you like to reciprocate your feeling………….every sad ones ….happy ones ……miserable days or exuberant evenings………..you like to share every minute details of life however insignificant that may seem …………..you know its time that you blog about him ! ! ! !

How?…………why?……….the reason? ……………the logic? ………....the objective?
…………..I don’t know ………
…….and the irony is that it was I …….who liked analyzing things!
…..it was I who believed everything happens for a reason….and serves a particular purpose ……
……GOD…….!!!!

Know what?????
I think …..rather than me finding him………….it was more of he… who decided to pick me ……it was his relentless patience and kind nature that he survived while others faded away. Though, I still don’t find a reason for him being so kind towards me…….may be its his nature of being polite to everyone, giving everyone a chance to be good, or he is just blessed with impeccable etiquette! Don’t know!
Whenever I think of him…..I remember the phase in my life filled with Harry Potter, Bhanu’s filmy quizzes, working with a zeal and then gradually getting disillusioned, feeling lonely away from home, and then getting an opportunity to came back to Kolkata, holidays during Durga puja, chatting like nuts till late nights, and then getting rebuked by dada for staying up late, a phase when I thought I could have everything I can wish for ……!
The exuberance, excitement, confidence, doing all the wrong things in life…..well I won’t say them to be exactly “wrong” ….. may be crazy things ….. I did all the stuff I never thought I could do or I would have guts to do …it was great…..but its over now……

…..you see…..I am really extremely ordinary, average, run of the mill, mundane, boring, “dal-bhat-macher jhol-ranna-kora”, not-that-popular in office, movie-crazy yet don’t quite understand matrix, harry potter loving and Dan Brown and Jhumpa Lahiri loving all at the same time, travel-freak though travelling only through discovery and ‘snaps of others’ a middle aged not-that-ohh-my-god-looking woman.
You see…..our worlds don’t co-exist in this universe! We are in different time zones if not in different era altogether!!!
You teach UNIX/LINUX (either one of the two or both) to the brilliant minds ……………..
………………I teach my father how to open word doc…..
You design websites……
…I make maps…..
You are super informed about every thing in this cyber world…………….
.I get elated …euphoric just to be able to attach a file to mail or zip any folder…..
(Whatever that means in your world…)
You are smart, popular with girls……
99.99% of the boys I know ….are all my relatives!!!
You are funny, witty; articulate…
…I have to write down jokes to save my grace……
You can assemble computers……
to me smps and ups are one and the same thing…….

There was no way that our path would have crossed…
yet ….
.they had…..!
Life is as confused as Dharmotola crossing……!!!
Sure …we don’t talk as much as we used to …….but hey …no regrets …..I am blessed just to be a friend of yours…..there’s no room for complaints…….esp. after those 9 DVD that you gave…….you know in my life …… people usually tend to forget my birthday as it coincides with the new year thing…..and everyone would be excited about what to do, where to go ……(its really sucks to be born at the last day of the year…..)…I never had many……or any grand celebrations at house or with friends……that means missing out good food and most importantly absolutely no gifts at all…..whatever gifts that I have received in my life span were…well….. the things I could do without ……

but …………
………what you gave to me was something so valuable, so important that ……that I cant simply put that to words……and as I have said earlier, was one of the finest moments in my life where I got something that I really desired………and that if I try to explain or detail out my emotions it will be lost in words……

its undeniable fact that ….you were the first of the third kind…………what I believed to be non-existent ………..you are first in everything …almost everything……..right from being the first orkut friend ….to the first boy that I have ever gone out for a movie…..alone…..you were the one who reinstalled the belief that friendship can exist even if you are not equal in terms of intellect (higher in your case) or age (higher in my case)…….that sharing doesn’t necessarily mean talking for long lengths…..and that even after a decade without any communication you still remind me of the nice times that I had with you, the lousy craps in the name of movie that we have wasted our times to, the jokes that you told in impossible of times, the texts in my mobile …..
……the things that count in life are not always countable
…….they are sum of those moments when we shared a laugh, a thought, a feeling….name of movies which I knew we would both enjoy…..
(and…..an impossible grin flashes…...)
….you see…
its more like an old favorite song..…
…which you don’t necessarily hum all the time ….but whenever you hear it …radio or anywhere…..you cant help but remember the lines….the words…. that made you feel in a certain way in the past……like the taste of butterscotch ice cream…..which lingers in your memory long even after the last slurp ……………
I can understand that most of what I m writing doesn’t add up to much sense……yet its quite comprehensible to me ….and perhaps to me alone…..even though I wanted to make it logical …..and believe me ….I tried……..
You see…… what I write is all me. I m not very good at it ……I try all the time ….but….…..there are times I can express myself……sometimes the emotions are just lost somewhere…. I'm not a good enough writer to become a writer. I read about others who can express things more lucidly …..and I think ….I wonder what that may feel like. Because for me, I write the things that move me…..or better….. force me to write…..
so lemme try again…..
you see….
thou are special to me…….
……precious….. in every way….
…. for many reasons beyond my own comprehension …..
It may be because you installed confidence in me….. that may be I m worth a thing or two….
…..that friendship can happen between two parallel universe……
…that if you reach out your hand….and take a chance….there will always a friend on the other side …… who shares the same views, feelings, likes the same kind of movies, shares the same liking in music(or..may be sometimes not…)…….and that its not you alone that suffer from loneliness…….there is yet another person who dies out of the same disease…………
And the reason …..if you still want the logic…… (which I would have appreciated if you didn’t)……..is that…..I believe…..when you say out your emotions or feelings……you can hear them only once….and once said they are lost for ever….and even if you want to….you cant have them back……….on the other hand letters or writings are more enduring ….and while letters are a more private affair and should be reserved for your special girlfriends only……..its in my blog that I give recognition of my faith to you and our friendship!

…………………………..

………………..what ???????????????

……………..not sleepy yet………………….?????
This kind of crap happens when you don’t get enough sleep …..keep awake till 2.30 in the morning……and try to do the impossible……
…...well …it was you who encouraged me to write …..and now you just faced the consequence!
What I could have said in few words….
…… instead of this awful epic …..
…is that…..
Rookie……..I love thou more than I do Tom Cruise or Daniel Craig or Robert Patterson put together…….
…its Anthony Hopkins that you should look out for !!!!!!!!!!!!!

cloud no. 9

2009-05-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Do I have to say the words?

Do I have to tell the truth?

Do I have to shout it out?

Do I have to say a prayer?

I guess not …………..

….know what??
to me …..life is all about the small, yet not insignificant things that you tend to remember in the long run........
…......like say …
..........in the next ten year …
you will most likely to remember the kind words of your friend when you were down ,
or the support through the gentle pat from your senior
….and not the amount of money you made or the number of gadgets you bought!

Life is all about such simple pleasures ......
and that often come from the most unexpected places !
actually its more tastier when its un-expected ! believe me ....!

cant say much about.... what is life.....!...tried googling it once!

no ...seriously.....cant say much.....for the simple fact that I havent finished my journey yet .......
yet ...
what I like about it is that it always maintains a balance ......
.....dynamic equilibrium......I guess !
coz.......you cant be too happy
or...... too sad for that matter !
......just when you thought you are a scumbag in the face of this universe.........(I mean .....when you feel really low....).....
.....life suddenly springs up and gives you this wonderful gift
...the gift of friendship......
and those who think I m being poetic about it ......I m......!
(blame the weather..........how can you resist the charm of rain? its totally proven that the tendency to write non-sense is directly proportionate to the amount of rainfall and the drop in temperature subsequently.....)

For me …..life is not always sweet and rosy ….mostly of course because of my nature …..really cant blame it to others…no matter how hard I try to ……I cant !

n if I m true to myself …..I know ….deep in side me ….I know whats wrong with me …
......yet I cant ......(no......cant will be a wrong word)
.......yet I dont do something about it ….
ohh the dark side of me …..
yeh......of course .....I have another side
…everyone has it …even batman has it......
whether they are aware of it or not …..

I m not always this casual sweet funny one who has no wants, no vices, no desires, no ill-habits .......I do......just dont ask me the list ......

its just that I m too apt to hide them ….its only the ppl I live with know me inside out …..
to them I m the most irresponsible, un-hygienic girl around,
absolutely always procrastinating,
never having the desire to improve myself ,
the laziest ass anyone has known.

And I know its because of all these vices I face the trouble that I face!
Its simple law dear …..reap what you sow !
and how can I blame anyone else for that!

yet....after all that's said and done ......
Yet …I have to admit …..I m the luckiest ass anyone has ever seen!
And trust me when I say this …….that I have the most affectionate friend one can ever think of for such an lousy girl!

And that is in terms of love that is showered unconditionally
….and most importantly ......
......unexpectedly…..!!!
..........from the people I least anticipate ….!!!

and you know …these are the moments that you think that you are truly blessed.....
truly being loved in spite of your inadequacy......

...... I guess it’s a feeling mostly …..that you sense …
may be I m wrong
(statistics say that …there are more probability of me being wrong than to be right, if past facts are taken for consideration)
….may be I m wrong…..
but it do sure feels so right!

Love is not always dependent upon the size or for that matter price of the gift …
but it’s the thought….
the kind of feeling.......... that goes behind a gift….
its when you feel “you would love to give” …..and not when you feel “you have to give”….. !

And believe me its such a wonderful feeling beyond words….....
beyond any “thank you’s”........
beyond any such formalities ........
esp. when you are at the receiving end…..!!!
.......receiving no less than pure love and adoration…..
.......a gift of friendship......a human relationship beyond any boundaries .......

believe me its feels like cloud no. 9…..if Mr. Adams is right ……it do sure feels right !

And...... so buddy........?

…..do I have to say it loud?

…do I have to speak it out ?…..

do I have to tell the truth……that I thank thee from the bottom of my heart !

let it be ......

2009-04-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

So whats with me and with my office……
I don’t know ….
I seriously don’t know …..
I don’t know where I went wrong !.....
..and I m trying so hard to figure it out …but still cant !

There were times before when I used to tell myself …..its ok …everything will be fine ….things will be sorted out at last
….but know what ????
…..it doesn’t …!
…..things are not going fine …..things are not sorting themselves out …..

and I need help……..!

I need help now …

I need to get over this heartache …

which is like a pain in the throat so sharp that you cant swallow it ……

and its like over a month now …..

actually more than that ….

it kind of started last December….and its april now ….

it should have stopped by now ….but its not going away …..

…I need to figure it out ….where did I went wrong !
May be its not one big great blunder…..but an accumulation of several small wrong steps …..that added up to this !

Jealousy was one thing I thought I was too noble to have it inside me …..I m wrong ….I m not God…..and I shouldn’t try to be one ……I have all the human emotional vices …..where …now…jealousy seems to be taking its prime seat !
but should I be blamed ?
if someone takes up the things I love to do ….the stuff I love to work at …..is it extremely twisted to be jealous ?
I m not saying the others should not do the same stuff…..but why take up my right to do the same things ?
They may say I aint that smart ….not good enough ….but everybody has their own good points ….they aren’t bad at everything …..I admit I m not that excellent as the other might be …..but should that make me dispensable ??? I might just have other qualities …..

I guess there the problem lies ….I need to find out where m I good at …
..coz
…now …..I feel quite down …
..these are the times when I feel that I m not good for anything …
.but that’s not true ..I hope ….I hope its just a feeling and it will just go away with time …….

This is not supposed to be a good way to live …

..when down inside you feel sorry for yourself

and yet cant find a way out from this horrible cycle …

.where you feel bad and thus you work up more errors and then people disapprove of your work and you end up being more miserable…..

and the vicious cycle keeps on revolving !

Know what …..now this thing has gone so deep-rooted that when ever anybody praises of something…I keep on feeling that the person is showing sympathy …..and don’t mean them from their heart……

but this is not what supposed to happen in life….I mean …I believe everybody is good at something at least …..you just need to find out that thing !!!
But right now I m just too horribly depressed to think of any good thing …..and the worst of all ……most of my friends are not here……….actually I don’t need them all….I just need one ….my friend …..and I m not feeling good without her …..it just seems impossible to live without her …..but then I have to ……and I m not finding any way out of this ….life is not always what you like it to be …..and you have to accept that !

In pursuit of happiness….when Christofer and his son went to a church …..there was a song saying ……God don’t move the mountain but give me the strength to climb it !

that’s all I ask for ……
to give me the courage to go through life……..
and to know the right things that I want to do with my life……!

statuary warning !!!

2009-03-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog…..I thought I had to shut it up in a jig ……who knew I had so much to talk to myself …..geez……you live to learn ya……

Well…today’s topic is …..
hmm…well not exactly a topic
….something like an apology perhaps…..
or hmmm….may be like an disclaimer …..
hmmm…may be not …………………………..
(still searching for the right word to put in …..leave it ........it will take the whole night ya……)

Hmmmm…..so what’s it about …..???
Well…. Lets see….ya ……its about the things that this blog is all about …..and what’s it is not about ……
(Wow …..warning seems to fit right in …….)
Right……lets say this current blabbering is about a statuary warning ! ! !
You see…you got to read all these at your own expense ……..
(…..and please ……don’t send me your counselor ‘s bill…..I m broke myself…..)

Well…now..............
….dont say that you have never been warned……
so …shall we start……????

Anything that you read in this blog is not original !

……everything is being copied, lifted, stolen, extracted , and shamelessly pasted in here……none of the work that you see…is my own creation.

Source…???
Don’t ask me ….I have lost track myself......!
……this plagiarism is so ingrained now that sometimes I copy from my own past copied things ….GOD…!!!
..lack of talent coupled with lack of memory can do blunders !

But then .......still….mostly I copy from the things that I hear……..read…… or watch in films or t.v……………..
right from the Monorama Year Book (….yeah !!!…….I do read that ….sometimes….)
..............to.........................
Stardust (..I read that all the time…..)…..
and from the most arty-carty films in Bengali to the hard-core hindi masala (whats life without spice ya ????)…..
and my fav of all ……the action packed-suspense thriller Hollywood trash……..I gulp them all………I don’t believe in discrimination you see!

So…its like as they say…..this is a work of fiction and has no resemblance with the characters and actions in real life…….dude….I m totally not responsible for the words that you read and the mental trauma that happens afterward……I m no one to blame……

Well..then lets say…
.........this is work of compilation I guess……
and they do say…..
"if ya copy from one its plagiarism…..if ya copy from many …its research ! "
Hmmm…….fits well with my job description !

But then …therez a slight difference ……researchers are not always attached to their work…..they need their degree ……what attachment???
.....but in my case …..though its totally lifted….
(ahhh….lifted sounds so bad ya ……lets called it inspired….shall we??)…
.......I m totally fond of my own theft !
I do love them …..
I can not help myself but to read my own things over and over again......
……and when one mentions even a tiny-miny itsy-bitsy slightest hind of appreciation…..I do blush ! ! !

And the thing is that ….whatever I do pick up ….its because….I share the same feeling with it…..
its just that there are things I want to speak out ……but don’t have the right words to put in place…..
I m not that articulate you see….
.(ohh well…..no body will believe that ……esp. after all this 500 words of non-stop non-sense! )

……but that’s the fact ……and the ultimate motive behind all this………
Its just that ….when ever I see a movie….like it……I try to figure out the reason why I liked it so much…..and when the reason becomes a strong one …I tend to feel that I should keep that wonderful thought somewhere…..and since I m Dr. Loose-Everything-You-Have……I thought of keeping it in the safest place of all ….the net ! in this way …..I will just have to remember my account name and the password…….simple isn’t it ??? you see….I believe that the internet is the greatest thing that man has invented after wheel ! ! !ohh …….that was an accident or what ? that “wheel” thing ???

Never mind ……!
so the moral of the story is that ……
What ???? copying is good ???
No ….you shamuck ……
if anyone likes your work…..thats the best ! ! !….nothing like that! ! !

But what if……anybody doesn’t………… ?

….if anybody doesn’t …….
well.......
this is the safest way to save your own a*&%#@ ……

then there was a man who said, " I never knew what real happiness was untill I got married, and then it was too late".....

2009-03-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hmmm….horns of dilemma !!!
……I have office work …..n…….I have things to write about …
Now….…what to do ….???
Ohh… what the heck….damm with office work …
what the worst can happen??? ….I will get busted again…or may be kicked out….
still…I m still in for writing the things I want to …..

well………..
have all the people around me gone crazy…..
or are they were all been abducted by aliens ???
geez ……how come they have the same questions in their mind at the same…..????
And that’s
“when are you getting married dear ?”
Yeah, right ! ! ! As if I m in a mood for suicide!
……sometimes I think its just their way of getting revenge or what ……like make the same deadly mistake as they did ……..! wooo hooo …….no way man…….!

I think I m pretty happy the way I m ……
with my mirror-cracking looks and outstanding intellect I m pretty much having the time of my life dear……
ohh except ofcourse of the office thing….there I really suck…..infact I stink almost….
but that’s something one cant help …..you have to suck somewhere…..
you cant be good at everything ……can you ???

Well……if ya weigh my situation from my point of view you might get the logic….at least I hope so ……...which I cant explain to others in a more sane manner than this……..geez …this is one of the many reasons….one of the main reasons……… I took up writing …….you can put your thoughts without someone arguing back…..which is pretty cool…..I think !
Yup…now the logic……
Well……. There’s no logic actually ……if you think of it ……
…..ahhh …..what the heck again….its me against myself…..I have to believe anything I say……
I think I m pretty cool in the way I m …like …..who wants more tension in life dear……when you have enough already…..
when I was in school….I used to get tensed about getting through the class without getting thrown away …..which was pretty tough
…..I would always goof up with my books…..wrongly copy the homework from others……wont do the work in time…..the habit of what still follows me….
When I grew up …..I mean I was in college…..things got tougher…..!
N then…. when I was away from home ……hell broke loose……what type….how much…don’t dare to ask….try surviving a day without family….n then ask……!

Life……work…office…..Jesus !!!…..how much more can you handle at one go???
So it never seemed strange that a girl like me……
(ok…I have to stop referring myself as a girl……I m a woman now……who is now getting old……though not quite growing up actually……)
Well…the truth is that …..it never bothered me…..that I never …never had a boyfriend in my entire life (……well…not quite entire life …you shouldn’t count the days in nappy)……well….never in my adult life!
,,,which now …when I think of it……and esp. when asked about ……..find it quite hard to explain …that why I never had an affair with anyone …..I mean a seriously serious one…….watching the birds don’t count as an affair!
Hmm….
one reason….perhaps the main ……and more logical one might be
my “drop-dead-oh-my-good-lord” looks !
I m always famous for my size ….to say it more politely……which I cant really help…..I mean I can help…..but then why should I ??? I never found a good reason enough to let go the things I love …..n food is one of them! So the thing is that …though I m fit enough to trek around mountains…..I could never fit in a jean…….! Ahh …no regrets there either…..jeans is totally not comfortable ……looks good but totally not comfortable.
May be its because of the brains……which unlike my body……do fit in a pea shell!
Ok ok …..I admit ….I m exaggerating …..its bigger than that…..its perfect for a walnut !!!
But then…..are the looks and the brain the real cause ???
hmm…..I have a friend whose looks are smashing …if I must say so being a girl…
…yet she don’t have one …..
……I have one with the best IQ I have ever seen …..even she has a series of wrong boyfriends…
….I should better not talk about Malinee……who posses both the qualities and yet to have one date till date !

so ,
what’s going wrong in here ???
beats me…..men always say women are enigma…….but I think the feeling is mutual…
…..I have bloody hell no idea what men wants!
Hannibal once told about the 3b principle …..but that’s clearly not working in here !
So ??? may be the problem is much more deeper than just the 3b’s …….may be ……
Well ….frankly …I have no issues about having a relationship…….things are pretty romantic and all…
..it when it comes to marriage …..wedding or rituals……I spook off !
may be its an internal fear…… the deep down core primal fear that I have in marriage …
..and its because of the fact that I don’t think I m pretty much of a wife material!
…..bloody hell man…..I cant even take care of myself…………how m I suppose to take care of an entire family ???
…..dont know ……I believe I wont make a very good wife ……..and that’s a fear I will never get rid off….
when I think of myself ….I find so many mistakes ….
I m not pretty much good at anything other than cooking……I m kinda lazy, procrastinating silly old fool ! yup that’s the picture I have in my mind when I think of myself…..but then everybody is not perfect …..are they?
Even mentally …..if you think of that too……I m not very sound…..I keep forgetting things……I lose track of all the chores to be done…….when I talk of one thing or listen to one ……my mind keeps wondering to hell knows where …..and they are not a very good sign of a sane person ! I have crazy ideas, strangest of thoughts……now that I m thinking of that ….I should go n see a therapist ……I mean ppl take medicines for my kind of symptoms……!
Now to sum up the entire non-sense ……I think it makes pretty sense that I should retain my spinsterhood …..if not for anything………its for the greater good of the mankind …….

Say what ????

……..of course
……until I meet a more lunatic person than I m……
well….
……….then I cant promise anything ! ! ! Can I ? ? ?

and you thought this guy is just abt bikes, beaches n babes !

2008-11-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

an amazing video......amazing lyrics.......amazing thoughts.....

n to think of ...where it came from ....is the most amazing thing ........

how you make an opinion abt someone ......n you start believing that your opinion is the real person.....
n then ...
Mercie !
......your world is turned upside down.....

n how wrong I was !.....Jesus !

....hell knows how much I love this guy !..........

its called "everybody's free (to wear sunscreen) by baz lurhman
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh never mind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me,
in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now
how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future;
or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing ....
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss ....
Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end,
it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive,
forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch .....
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 yearolds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.....
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry,
maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children,
maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funkychicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…

what ever you do,
don’tcongratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body,use it every way you can…
don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…
even if you have nowhere to do it
but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines,
they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents,
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once,
but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths,
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old,
and when you do
you’ll fantasize that
when you were young prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair,
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,
but,
be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

I thought I have seen everything…….until I saw you …………..

2008-09-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

All my life I have always thought that, there are only two kinds of guys in this world …………….
One……………..with whom you don’t want to talk to ……………
the other………...with whom you want to but cant …

and I thought I have seen everything …….

Until………

………. I met the third kind ………..the kind I believed never exists……. ………………
ohh but I m glad that I was proved wrong …….too glad ! ! !

See…….I don’t claim to be a super-cool or ultra-hot or whatever expert on boys but ……we all are individuals..aren’t we ? ? Every body is unique and we all have our opinions about life in general n boys in particular! ! !

In school, I wasn’t exactly shy …you see....
.....but I was always out of time …
…in the lunch-breaks I was always busy copying down the homework from others ….coz….
….ahem…..ahem……
..….I was not exactly …..ahemm….smart enough …..!
……but that’s not the point …
…..the point is ……I know that homework is supposed to be finished of at home itself…..I mean the word is self-explanatory , isn’t it ????......but the thing is that ……where’s the time man ???? how a girl is supposed to get time when she is busy discovering the Atlantis with Captain Nemo, or solving the Secrets of the Unicorn?????
So my point is that …. I was never exactly popular in the boys side…..or say ….for that matter…..not with the girls either ! ! ! I mean… who on the earth and most importantly ….. why will anybody be interested in talking to a girl who barely passes in her exams ???? and on top of it …….not exactly having materials to win the beauty pageant …..I was always …..ahem ahem …….let me put it this way …….I was, I am, always generously proportionate…….always ….! ! !

So , with a body not exactly resembling any art or intellect of just one grade higher than Obelix , it was easy to slip of to a group called “the expendables”….those …..whom people do ask to join the party out of courtesy but never ever really mind if they don’t show up !

But I too never really gave a damn second thought to that either…..I mean….. the Librarian loved me …and I loved Mr. F. Mulder…….! Who needs anyone else ???

I guess the trouble started only after there was a paradigm shift in the perspective …..or to put it in this way …when I started noticing boys as boys and not as another human being !
Blame the hormones……I was growing up !
and I realized where I stand ! …….. the last one in the line …….!

Even though I try hard to deny……ohh come on …..admit it …….boys do put beauty before brains ! ! !
……and I had neither ! ! !

I mean …the time I realized the effects of pheromone ……the biggest truth I learnt was…..that……
………..”all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, fattening or married to someone else”………………
…….at least all the decent guys were already taken up by the smarter ones of my species !
of course ……….there were other guys !!!….ones who will hit on everything and anything that resembles a girl …..its better not to talk about them …..I mean ….I don’t have a censor board to clip of the offensive words ! ! ! The only one thing I have to say to them is that……there are enough “Kareena Kapoors” out there to satisfy them ……but not me !

………….and the ones that I fancy …..are …well…… beyond my league …….!!!

……but its not the point of having a boyfriend ……but the lack of friends who are boys ……..I mean till date I never have any problem in starting up a conversation with any girl I choose to talk to …….I m always a hit with my friends who always happens to be a girl ! I mean I m not complaining ….but seriously …..I m totally at a loss of what to talk about with a guy …..one of the either thing happens ….. either he doesn’t get my jokes or I don’t know what to comment at his!

…….But then ….I was proved wrong ……..!!!
…….It was like encounter with the third kind !
He is smart, funny, intelligent, witty….ohh come on …I m repeating myself ! ! ……the bottom line is that I never met any guy who can make me laugh and make me think at the same time and with equal intensity ! I had this secret arrogance about myself of knowing things around until I met my match…..in the initial years ……it was like the clash of the titans ……and then gradually I admitted my defeat……and what a sweet defeat it was ! if the other side is competent enough it’s a pleasure to surrender !
He was the first of his clan, with whom I could talk effortlessly …….about anything and everything …….without giving a damn single thought that I m talking to a boy! He is the perfect definition to the term “friend” which is supposed to be a neuter gender! Talking to him was so easy and it felt like I was talking to myself……

Yap, of course……it took time to melt …in his words “melting of the outer shells” ….what kinda chemical reaction made such meltdown …..I have bloody hell no idea….I was never good in science!
………the only thing I know is that I could talk to him freely and actually liked talking to him
…now……….
…how many a times do you have such kind of feeling??? ….not many I guess !!!

And as the time passed by …….it kinda grew into me ……
.and gradually I started expecting …rather than hoping ! …
…you see…
…there is a subtle yet a slight difference between the two!

Expectation grows when you start getting the things that you don’t deserve!.......and I started expecting ………..and then the bad thing happened !
I was hurt !
Actually, I was wondering ……like …….what made me so hurt, so angry with him ? Why was I so mad with him when he didn’t respond the way he always did?

…n I thought n I thought n I thought ………( I mean I really should get a Nobel or something for thinking so much ! )………and the reason turned out to be a simple fact that – I expected from him !

In other words…….translated by other language …..”zayada bhao kha rahi thi “…
I mean …I was associating too much of an importance to an insignificant issue !
…actually the thing is that …..I was used to getting so much of an importance from him…….to a point were I really started becoming greedy ! I mean…..come on…if a child gets a candy every time without even asking, it thinks that getting a candy is its right, forgetting the generosity of the giver! I mean I hate to give an analogy of myself with a child, but that’s exactly what happened!

And I m ashamed of myself for that !

I expected him to keep in touch with me, when I , myself took no efforts to do the same! I expected him to ask me, when I , myself could have asked the same! I expected him to apologize, when I too was guilty of the same charge! And I thought I was hurt, hurt by him…….when in reality ……it was me , who hurt herself!..................

Ohhh……..! ……Ok! Ok! Ok !…………..too much of philosophy!

So ……summing up…..the moral of the story is that ……

….what ?...... don’t expect ???

tck ! nope ! ……
..the moral is that ……..if you expect something from the other, do the same to them ! if you expect someone to call you up, call him up yourself ! if you expect to get a sms, send him one yourself !
Coz I think he is too precious a friend to lose him just like that!

Honestly, how many friends do you have …who politely whispers into your ear a totally horrible “Santa-Banta” joke with a poker face? Now try getting angry to that!.......when in side you are just dying to roll out in laughter ! ! !???! ! !

“……..We always say that we wont expect something from anyone but we do and then we get hurt.We always say that we wont wish for something but we cant stop dreaming and then getting hurt.Sometimes it feel so hurt when you think that your dreams didnt come true and then when you die you take away all your dreams and those LITTLE moments of your life when you really smiled from your heart.Why we get these types of moments in our lives? Some dreams and wishes will be always in your heart which never came true under any circumstances.So why dont we forget it ?
MMMM coz we can NEVER throw those dreams out of hearts............................”

a broken heart...............

2008-05-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, I promised to my self that I would write anything under this sun n above n below it …..but I wont do that …I wont write about love ………and that’s what I did ………….I mean almost 99% of my writing is about that ………….n here I m again writing yet again about the same topic once again …………but I cant really help….this is what I m n I have to write what I m aint it ? I guess so …..!

N today my heart is broken ……….broken once again ………..I really don’t know how it mends itself n yet gets broken again …………….somewhere ages ago …………I read a poem called “If” by Rudyard Kipling ………….n there was a line …………(oooh dammmmm…….I forgot the line ……….no problem .internet mein google hay kis liye ….I will just check out )…….

I will give you the poem at the end …………now get back to my point …….n it is that I broke my heart again ……….:Mon haralo haralo se din ………sono kono ekdin akash batah jure rimjim dekhi “- remember the song by Hemanta Mukherjee………but you see life goes on ……n I would go on too……..its just that there will be one more scar in here ………….n I had to drink those salty waters yet again ……………..

“E kul bhege okul tumi goro jar ekul okul dukul gelo tar lage ki kore o nodi go “ n this song makes me cry n makes me wonder n makes me so sad n makes me feel like dying ………n yet I like this song …….why ? why ? I don’t know there are certain why’s for which I don’t really have any answers , may be the answers are not for me to know ……may be I will get them when I will be very old too old to feel any thing only will have a broken heart …..people say that you grow wiser as you grow ……I think we grow more wiser but we start to feel less…..n you start to think from your head n instead of heart…..which is a good thing …..in one way ……but bad for in so many ways ……..ohhh how youth is wasted in the young ……!

All these things ………..the things that I write now with those salty liquids brimming in my eyes ………..will be read afterwards …..n I will think what a fool I was then ……….so this a document of my foolishness……..proof of my stupidity ……n….why I cried …in fact howled ……..n why was there a painful lump that I so much wanted to throw away……n want to laugh again ……but I cant ……n the letters keep disappearing ……as the keyboard becomes all hazy coz of that god dammmm salty thing that keeps interrupting …..n I don’t know …………may be I should shut up now ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Oooh ! yes ! the poem ………..here it is ………………..

IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,But make allowance for their doubting too;If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,Or being hated, don't give way to hating,And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two impostors just the same;If you can bear to hear the truth you've spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,And lose, and start again at your beginningsAnd never breathe a word about your loss;If you can force your heart and nerve and sinewTo serve your turn long after they are gone,And so hold on when there is nothing in youExcept the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,If all men count with you, but none too much;If you can fill the unforgiving minuteWith sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

......when the desert turns green ........

2008-04-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

So.... Have you ever felt love…………? It's when you felt...like..........something you have never felt before...........you have this feeling............ and that you can't help........... but to notice how her hair is so wonderfully tied up..........and had this irresistible temptation.............. to touch ................to feel the softness ..............and that you wanted to take her number.............but have hesitated a thousand times............ "what if she says no?....."and you employed your friend to take her contact no instead of you ......................And that you went on talking about the most silliest thing on this earth one can ever imagine but couldn't say those things that you have rehearsed at home may be a millionth time.........! And that you originate with the most innovative reasons.............reasons to meet her and to talk to her...............and that would invariably fail to your dismay......... and you feel like your day has been wasted if don't get the chance to see her... and you would sneak around to get a glimpse of her ............... and when you do see her its like your heart starts beating faster........... and you feel that all the blood is rushing up to your face ..............................and that............ when you both are in a group ...........you try not to look at her...and when she is looking at something else............you will take a lightning-fast turn and gaze at her for a split second and again resume looking at something the most ordinary and most uninteresting object in this universe for you .............................!

Now.............if ............any one of the answer is yes ..........then...............or may be while reading it ................if you had a smile in your face............then also.........
........... my dear friend you too have been bitten by the bug...............................! ! !

On a second thought...............love should not always be about a girl................ it should be about the times when you felt happy and felt proud...................! Times when you really felt like that you have achieved something.............. be it your performance in exams..................or when you got your first job or the first salary............... or when you .....for the first time ......told your dad..........."its alright dad , I will pay..............."or may be even when ........you won a match....................or may be bought your very own bike.........................or may be for the first time anybody had appreciated about your photographs like they told"sahi hai"................ or may be your first trek................. Those moments...................those moments are as marvelous, as wonderful, as amazing as falling in love .........................

You must be knowing about flash floods............... even though I haven't seen one, but I have read about, that, when it rains in the distant mountains, the water moves as an overflow and creates a sudden flood in the desert lying in the vicinity........ it may not last more than a few hours..............but within that small amount of time the desert soaks up all its required moisture............and then the nature emerges with its full swing..............and its the time when desert turns green............
If the same is applied to our lives, then, I will have to admit.......... that those small moments of laughter and happiness acts as our own flash floods.................. and if we absorb them with our fullest strength ...................then.......
...... might be......... our deserts will too turn green ...................................! ! !

May be now…now that I m coming to an end I can see a little bit more clearly…..and its now I m getting the reason………. slightly…… …………the reason for me to write this letter….
See… you are my fantasy…
but
to trouble you with my questionnaire about your shadowy side would be extremely selfish on my part …………….
I shouldn't trouble you for the sake of my imagination……................................
esp.……,
if it brings out unpleasant memories……………………………………..

I feel to agree with you that sometimes things are better remained untold if they invoke sadness and bitter feeling…................................................................
it will be really harsh on my part to do that……......…
.its better not to remember the things that doesn't bring a smile to your face…………

"…better by far you should forget and smile,
Than you should remember and be sad……………………………….. "

And thus............................ I felt that it's better to talk about something that brings fond memories………..
The memories that you will like to cherish and enjoy in remembering. ……………Something that surely gives that hint of your dimple……
……...................along with that twinkle in your eyes…………...…..!!!
And that in the end what matters is that whether if you are happy?
And I think that's what should matter the most!

I m just one of them...............! ! !

if I have to give a day like today.......I would give it to you ......

2008-04-05T03:28:00.000-07:00

".......and if I have a song ....like this....... I would sing it for you .........."
......and if I m born again I would love to spend it with you once again .......
coz I enjoy being with you ....

.........a smile always comes to my face when ever I think of you ...
.............remembering the times that we spend with each other .......
............and the things that we did together.......

having you was like a backup...coz I knew you would be always there with me .....and would support me in what ever I do ( only when I m right .......or will kick the hell out of me if I m not ) .........and that you never failed to bring out the best in me ......n I never hesitated to try out or do experiments coz I knew you will be there for me even if I fail........ and doing things with you was such a fun ....coz we knew each other so well....it was just like you could read my mind.....and now that I m typing the words... I feel like that you know them already........ n that I m writing things that you too feel for me .......

there was nothing in this planet earth and far beyond .......that we couldn't talk about and that I m yet to find a topic at what we felt any different ....... talking to you was like talking to myself only its aloud.......and it was such a comfort.....just the feeling that someone is there to hold you when you are down and make up for the bad things that happen to you .......it was just great ! and seriously I miss out that feeling........ the things that I do is all the same....yet nothing is same...coz you are not here ......and nothing is same .....!

ooh buddy I miss you so much ........ its not that I m alone yet somehow I always feel lonely ......... I m so lonely without you .... n no one can fill up that space ......... n now that you are gone I miss you even more .....and its only that my heart knows how much I miss you .......may be buddy you will know...no, actually I don't want you to know..... I don't want you to feel bad for me...its just that .......its just that I miss you so much .......and its just for that.....I just wish you were here......that you were here I could talk to you and all my worries would just simply melt away.....just by talking to you .......

when ever I listen to any good piece of music I feel like........
........if.........
.........if I could make you hear it........
...........I always wondered at your exquisite taste in music........something that I never had......

now...that you are gone.....its not the same......nothing is same.....even not me...ya buddy ...I too have changed....may be better for or for worse .....I have changed a lot......its not the same that I used to be .......I really don't know ........but one thing has never changed .... n I hope it never changes......

you were .....you are...everything I always wished to be .........your kindness........your beauty......your gentleness........the grace.......the poise.... you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen ....and what made you even more beautiful was your heart...... and that's a goldmine......ooh hell ...one who stole it is now the owner of the greatest treasure in this world....!

its just I had the time of my life with you ........if I get another chance I would love to spend it with you yet once again..........
.....it seems impossible to write about you ........
I m happy for you yet I feel something is breaking inside me....I wish all the good things in life for you yet I feel there is something missing in my life...........

ohhh.........hell !!!!! its tough !

and I know what the hell I m writing doesnt make any sence...any sence at all......
.....may be I cant ........
............may be ..........
.........and yet again I failed ........
....... yet again my feelings are lost in words !.....

....please forgive me, I cant stop loving you .......

2008-02-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

....its been a long time.....may be a decade yet ...still....still I keep wondering that " what if"....?
still.....when it rains......and the cold wind blows......I still shiver ...thinking about you .....!

still.....when ever I read any love story......I think of mine......and how it went abrupt......without any ending......and I realize that I m still in love......yup......very much in love with you ...........no matter how much I deny...how many times I keep reminding myself...thats its not going to happen....yet I cant stop loving you .............

may be its a kind of maddness..... a disease ....... a serious kind of maddness without any cure.....!
or may be I dont want to be cured ! I dont know.......

when you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
and dont be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm Ther's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark,
Walk on through the wind,
walk through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown ......
Walk on , walk on, with hope in your heart,
And you will never walk alone
You will never walk alone........

……..the gift……

2008-02-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

…..today I think I m going to write about the addiction ….
……yup…!
…..mah addiction to something called “rookie” …..
…..and my ohh my what an addiction……!
changed my sleeping pattern…..changed my seriousness…
….and its a serious kinda addiction !
…….but know what I kinda like it…..!
Mah only fan who appreciated for the first time mah kinda style of writing ……and I will for ever remain indebted to him …….he gave me the confidence that I too can be of worth something..……and for that I owe him a lot……a lot!

……ohh …come on…..

…..I should begin from the beginning……isn’t it …….?

So where do I begin……? Hummm……may be from the point
where I first scraped him for the first time……

I was then kinda new to orkut…and I was just browsing through …and I got stuck in somewhere, and I saw one profile having an interesting portrait…..amazing one…..a pencil sketch ……a portrait of a boy…….and then I went through the profile…
…..more interesting !
….hmmm…….!
Couldn’t believe anyone to be so versatile in the choice of books….! It kind of ranged from classics to the most complicated ones…….and moreover most importantly …….it kinda matched with my choice too….so I scrapped him……and the story begins…….!

I would be hopelessly lying if I would say that I was not exactly expecting a reply……
and that I got…..
and something more …..!
I got an immediate reply……and I thought …WOW….!
A friend in Hyderabad…yup ….that time I was there in Hyderabad…..and I was kinda missing my family…..so..I thought …why not…!

…believe me…I have a very bad habit of being impolite in the initial years…..but its something that I do unintentionally …so you can easily make out I was kind of unapproachable in my choice of topics to discuss about ….but still he was so polite and refined that no-matter-what-rubbish I used to scrap him, he never failed to reply me back….and that too in kind words …..!
Now ….! Can you get any better than this? ……nope !
....and I thought so too…..!
And I asked him…what you do…….and got the shock of my life….. ! …….He’s a KID !!!!!!!!!
Ohh Mah God ! And I was goofing around with a kid? …..a kid of half mah age????????
…… I was so ashamed, guilty with …esp. with bhanu’s continuous teasing…”oh mah god Bachendri ! come on now…he is a kid…..how can you ? how could you? ”
……now…as if its mah fault that I was not born a few years later or his fault that he is too late!
Is liking dependent on the year printed in your birth-certificate?
I never thought so….I have this belief that if ya like it, then do it! if ya like someone as your friend then, go ahead, make your friend, don’t wait for what others may assume or shout about !
But then again its my idea, my concept , mah theory …..and its not necessary that everyone has to believe it….!

But …that point ……it was just about being impressed by his courteousness …..
Liking was a hell lot later….leave alone addiction!

So, there he was ….with me, scrapping me regularly …..and as days turned into months, scrapping him kinda grew up as a habit…and then Bhanu left ! ! ! !
As I was there all alone, in my room , I sometimes used to wonder, whether I was doing the right thing or not……whether do I really like this what ever I m doing…..I hate to admit this ….it was a serious point in my life, where I knew if I stick around I will be going places, career-wise this is the best thing one can have, PhD , Dept of Space and all such stuff, I mean, not many get a chance to get into such things …..but…….the silliest part was that …I was not having fun…..silly I know…but I was not liking my work out there…people don’t work for fun…I know…but in case of me…I cant work if I don’t have the interest in the work……something I couldn’t make others realize…..and at that point I was really down…..so at that point I was in a fix….as to what to do …..
ohh…..leave it….this a whole new topic for another blog…

……...today’s topic is something different !

....mah whole point is that ….
at that moment…..I was kinda wobbly …..and then wham!
He hit me hard with his translation of Rabbi Sergil’s song” Tere Bin ” ….and boy o boy ! What a translation…….!
I was just bowled over….and I thought
…… he is really deep…!
……..I was amazed by his ability to cheer up someone even they are really down…. something that I sincerely envy about him!
The ability to make another person laugh is the greatest gift a man can have……..
and he has that gift and that too in tons!
……actually…… more than liking I used to envy him….
……..jealous of his ability…….
ability to translate any god-damm-serious thing into a joke……
envious of his youth,
envious about his talent in finding humor in almost everything ! something……..
that I seriously lacked but would die to have them !

so came around my another theory……...
’if ya cant win your enemy….make him your friend! ’
…even though he was not exactly my enemy ….. still I wanted him to be my friend….! and the chapter two began ! ………
and from here the trouble begins……..!

I m not exactly sure from which point…..or time…or place……he ceased to be just an orkutian ……..and came within mah kinda choice of people with whom I love to spend my time with ! ! ! ! !

Now the point comes to why ? why? why the hell?
Though a favorite question of mine….
yet I don’t have any answer to that!
……Bloody Hell!
……Still I don’t have the answer…….
or may be …
I don’t have any logical answer !

Illogical ?
Yes…..!!
Plenty…..!

Some of them will be …….
first and most important will be …..
he is fun to talk to !
……. I always roll in laughter when ever I talk to him…..he is mah daily dose of laughter-medicine !
…….Cant really live without medicine, can we?
……. Even mah neighbors are willing to give evidence that they too have felt the tremors ! and that too at unearthly hours !

…….and that he not serious about anything……
absolutely anything ….
….except for C’point of course….! how can I forget that ?
…….he is seriously serious about that @#$%^&*thing……
( cant blame him really ……I too m getting into the same hole….God help me……)
But him ?
Ohh Mah God ! he is beyond repair ! even God cant help him…….May be his “union territory” can….?
what do ya say, huh ?
………..and the fact that he is so very understanding and sensitive to other people’s feeling that sometimes I do wonder…….is he ? really ? don’t know ! God bless his tribe….!

…..and the thing that I really hate is that ….
why?
why ?
why will all the girls will fall for him?
I mean, what charm has he got?
just because he is humorous, intelligent, witty, caring, know things around, great in his work, informative, funniest punner the world has seen, gifted techie……..doesn’t make him so eligible that every girl to whom I talk about him…immediately falls for him?
I mean….. why? why?
Why is god so unfair? why is He is so partial towards some…..!

(….and God spoke……………look who’s complaining !.........)

well…….true ! ….cant complain much…!
.......after all …I m too enjoying his creation …isn’t it ?
and I m blessed to have a friend like him……mah buddy …Rookie !

and the most illogical reason for as to why I wrote this ‘hell-god-knows-what’ thing wasting mah time when I should have been preparing for mah journey……is that ….I will be missing him……missing him for a whole week !
(and that’s too much of a lie……Lord bless me!)

…..while I was watching TZP…one of the several thing that I realized is that …….the greatest gift of all ……is the one that brings a smile at the receiving end …………and the biggest ‘thank you‘ is that smile in return……and I hope the heir to this writing will read this with a smile to his face ! Coz that will be mah biggest thank you!

……Ward No. 204…….

2008-02-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

I guess writing sometime becomes a passion or a habit …..
or worse ……….
an addiction …..!

more of a addiction actually …..
some thing that if you get addicted ……or hooked to …..!

I don’t know what others may say ,
but it’s an extremely bad habbit…..kinda like an itch …..
and that you have to scratch …..
even if you know its bad to do so ……..

……..same thing I guess happens with me in times of writing…..
…. I know I m writing crap (like I m doing right now) ………….
yet I cant stop myself from moving mah fingers on the keyboard!

And know what? …its feels great to write …..
a kind of satisfaction …….
a type of containment you get only when you scratch !
….bad analogy ……I know ……
still ………………………………………..
cant help………………………………….!
……its true……!

So . today I have to write , even if I don’t have anything to write , still I have to write…..who knows may be a topic may crop up in the course of this mindless jumble of words ,
……or….may be not……!

And then again ….is it necessary to have a topic to write about?
…….Yeh , I admit , it’s a lot easier to write if you have a topic…..

but then again ….you cant have everything!
……after all where will ya keep them ?

So ……..today’s topic is not having a topic……
and that’s a great topic if ya ask me !
… coz I can go on and on and on and on….. without any topic…..
……..its only when I have a topic I have to restrict myself to that particular one thing only….
today I don’t have to do that….
Is this what ppl call freedom?
….and if its so then its kinda dangerous…..
Coz if ya don’t have any restriction ya tend to accumulate all rubbish…..and I have a serious doubt that whether I will ever publish this one or what !
or may be I will coz its true….and that’s what I always write …..
or…is it? Don’t know…..!

…….to be continued……

.......and then she kissed him......

2007-12-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

it was a dark night....
every thing was blackened out except for a few flickering candles trying hard to survive against the wind....every thing was muted out except for the occasional burst of the crackers........it was a diwali night…………..
but the quietness and the dark night was rather cherish-able by her.......
for there in the darkness a boy was telling a story .......
he was telling a story to her .....
a story about two kings who fought against each other for honor...............

and there in the darkness, she sat still listening to him .........but not quite actually hearing ........ listening to his voice ......... listening as if nothing exists......nothing exits than him......
and nothing is more important than him....

“and he roared ….draw out you sword…you coward !”

and….she was thinking how amazing his voice sounds………is it really happening for real or is she still dreaming away like she always do about him…….

“I dare you to fight till death……..come out you terrified rat……come out of your hole……..”

and….she was thinking …is it in his eyes ? the mystifying charm ? or the twinkle of mischief ? what is there that magnetize her to listen to him even in this cold winter night out on this rooftop all alone……and she shivered slightly though not out of cold really……..

“ the two swords clanged and sparks flew off……….”

And….she wished the night may never end….for this moments were so precious that she can give away her all and everything to make it last even a few seconds more…..
……yes …..she can even give away her dinosaur eraser….ok…..even her dearest loveliest red frock too…….what else can God want ?

“…you want more, huh? Ok…here it goes....take it …take this…… and that….. and this….”

And…she was wondering …….how can a person be so attractive….and yet so intelligent at the same time……there is a strange thing about him….he looks so formidable yet today, now, sitting so close to him made her feel he is so very close, close enough that she can see his eyelashes…..and she again felt that…. The feeling of pain inside the throat …….is it what they call it…….is it? And for the first time in her life she felt something for which she has no words……is this what they call being ‘sexy’? at that moment she realized the exact meaning of that word ! till now , it was just a word for her , but then she appreciated that there are few words that have a very special meaning thus cannot be used so loosely to everyone every time. And she moved a bit closer…….

“feeling cold, eh? Ok now listen……..he slashed his sword against his opponent….blood coming oozing out yet not surrendering …… Are you listening or not….?”

And…..she nodded her head in approval …….though not quite really understanding who is killing whom…..but then …….who cares? As long as they both are fighting , she can continue with her own story where the king is somebody else …………!

“…now will you give up? ….NEVER!……..roared the king…….”

And……she felt like melting away………..melt away like a river………..ohhhh ! how she wished to be a river and flow all over him………..to be the wind that rustles through his hair caresses his forehead………be the light of the candles that twinkle in his eyes……………! and she blushed again, thanking God that it was a night !

“as the swords clashed with one another………it was hard to make out who will win…..”

and…….. she was thinking ……win? When she is losing everything, her dignity as a lady, her pride, her sanity to him, …..WIN ? how does it matter any more? She is ready to lose her everything for a millionth time to win him……and as slowly the candles slowly but surely melt away to annihilation and as the story started to end , she felt afraid………as if something is going to go away….something is going to be parted for ever and she will never have him back ………..like this way ! how much she wanted him……………..the way she wanted him………..like no other way but this………

and then she……………………………

........a night in the train...........................

2007-11-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

........it was in my last year of my masters ..............and I was returning from my home kolkata and back to Pune.....

...there in train I met him........

.......... I meet a DJ ........................

DJ ...............cool na !!!!!!!!!!
.....ya I thought so too..........................cool !

but at the first glance ...he didnt look that impressive......actually I never bothered to look at him .......................

but it was his constant 'hooked up with his iPOD'...................................................

(jus remember that that time iPOD was not that an ordinary thing as it is now...........it was a rare thing ........and i didnt know the name too........it was just a small white thing ...thats it....) .........

..............................that forced me to notice him..............

and .....like I always do..........if I have the curiosity ...................its always me who starts the conversation first................and I just did that ...................

.......and I just fired my questions..................... poor soul.................!

but .................believe me...............he was so polite that he actually answered my questions .........

and took me seriously.................now thats a rare thing....................taking me seriously.........nobody ever does that mistake ....ever..........

but there he was..................patiently listening to all my queries and replying them too........a rare combination........

and thats why I still remember him...............

(ok I must be honest ..................!.....I dont remember his name ......or how does he looks like......)

but it was something in him......that still makes me wonder.......and thus I still remember his words

and

believe me there was something in him thats still makes me write about him.................!

this reason alone makes him special enough I think..........!

...he taught me the essence of music........and why we should we love music........

....coz .....when Love Isn't Reciprocated With Love, It Hurts Deep Down Inside.

2007-10-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

"Don't Care So Much For Me,
I May Get Used To It.

Don't Come So Near To Me,
I May Not Be Able To Detach From It.

Don't Put So Much Faith In Me,
I May Not Be Able To Handle It.

Don't Touch Me The Way U Do,
I May Not Be Able To Get Over It.

Don't Become A Part Of My Life,
Because Without You, I Won't Be Able To Live It.

Don't Make Me Fall For You,
I May Not Be Able To Fall Out Of It.

Don't Come Into My Life,
If You Have To Leave One Day.
Don't Give Me The Hope,
That It's Forever U R Going To Stay.

Because Love Is An Emotion,
I Won't Be Able To Hide.
When Love Isn't Reciprocated With Love,
It Hurts Deep Down Inside.

Don't Start Something,
That I Won't Be Able To End.
Don't Make Me Believe,
That You Can Be More Than A Friend.

Because At The End Of It All,
I Don't Want To Hear You Say,
That," I'M SORRY",
"But I Never Felt The Same Way"...... "

is it bad to like someone......????
...like someone to a point that you feel theres no other way.......
but to love and no other reason to live other than love......
..is it bad to like someone that much......?

the above poem is a copied one........but the reason I kept it in my blog is that the words truly reflect my feeling....or to say my state of mind right now.....
.....therefore a little bit of copying business......
.I hope the poet doesn't mind.....
...after all imitation is the best form of flattery.....right?......so, no offence....ok?

but my trouble is that no one asked me to take the pain........its just all in my imagination ....all this love...affair....and emotions........and..........
no one said any thing........no one promised me any thing.............so..........why do I moan............and whom should I complain.............and whom should I ask for my medicine...........

then I guess .................I have to live with my maddness.............may be all my life............

like spiderman said ................. you have to choose ...............choose between what is right and what is easy..................its easy to follow what others are doing..........

I mean ....I m sorry it has nothing to do with my disease..........................but still ...................its a question of choice.............shall I live like others like a normal girl................or do what my heart desires...............

.....duniya-banewalle kya tere man me samye......kahe ko ............? ? ?

2007-10-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

believe me..............girls can be weird.................so weird ...............and so complected that even GODS cant understand them...................leave alone mortal men......!

you want example.......? ? ?
.......I will give you example.............and believe me I do have examples ......

...............like....................

when girls like someone or even like the comment they will smile and say " you are so mean".........
...........when in reality they are "so very happy" with the compliment...................

another example.........................

..........they will cry when they are happy...... .
..........will smile if they dont like anything.....

.....will not utter a word and would say nobody understands me.................

( I mean ....how the bloody hell anybody will understand you if you bloody hell dont say anything.........huh.....? ? ?.....are the people antaryami.......or what ........? ? ?)

.........no......stilll.........he would have understood me if he would have loved me......................!
now can you argue with that........
........no......
.........I guess not ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

...............chalo ye shart bhi rakha hai ke agar payar karna hai to man ki baat bhi parni chahie.......

will love someone madly...........and wont say anything to him.............. not even a word.......

........but would pour out the minutest to minutest detail to friend about how she had a querrel with the sabjiwalla over a pau-kilo over-priced bhindi...................right down to the details about the size of the ladiesfinger....... details are important you know...............!

....................I mean ........would buy anything .......even if she doesent like it.......if its a rupee cheaper.........and again would buy torn clothes cause its designer................

isnt it so very unfair.......? ? ?

do I ? really ? ? ?

2007-10-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

....last day Rookie said that the reason he got stuck with me was because ...........
.........I write well......

.....I didnt quite really believed him....
but................
...even though I wanted to disagree...................
...a part of me really wanted to believe him..

.................really wanted to.................
........ ...............but ................
.......................my another half smiled at me ........................
.....................and ...................................
said................... are you nuts? or what ? writer you...? are you crazy.......? not in a million years........not even in a thousand million years....

...but then why did I wanted to believe him........wanted to believe him so badly....

....is this what I really wanted to be.........may be ...
may be...

...may be really I wanted to be good at it....coz this is what I really enjoy doing .....

.......I enjoy writing .........sounds crazy.....
..but I liked his words ....and truely wanted to believe him.......

....that .........................
.................I m good at it..........
and wanted to believe that...................................
......and may be some one, some day will really like my work and
would really appreciate it whole heartedly .............
........and would say someday that I like you writing............
.......without any intension

just pure and simple words of appreciation...............no other reasons no other intensions, ......................no other interest..............

.........ohhhhh no...
...heaven knows I m not doubting Rookie.........

..............its just that I m still in disbelief that anyone can seriously like my writing and say that
as well.....
.....coz it never happened to me before .....
...never in my life.........

...............well.............. yes of course........................ once..........
......once some one did appreciate my writing ............
.......but then he never did it again.........
........so I m in a kind of a dileama....... is it true....................? ? ?

...................but you know something ..........
.........even though I doubt my abilities..........
....still its the one that like to be good at ..........
........and thats the reason I have opened my blog so that I can write without bothereing anyone else..........
...you see ita a pain for others to read a new writers creation.......
..............you have bloody hell no idea how pesty we can be......
.....always behind the othere to ask .........and pester them how was my writing..........
................so this blog is more safer ............
...........for me as well as for the others too.....
.....they are safe from the torture to read my craps....
.and....well.......
I m safe too.........from their curses.................! ! !

but then do I ?
do I have this ability?
the ability to express myself in words..............?
I dont know..........I really dont know........
.... I have always remained a confused kid..........
.....actually what kid?
I m still confused as an adult also........
.......so how can I express myself in simple words?

........but then thats what he said.........
.......in his words.................
......" u hv uncanny power of express deeper thoughts into simpler words ...".................? ? ?

really ? ? ? ? ? ?
do I have it?
if its true .........then I will feel blessed ..........
.........coz thats what I wanted..........
......even in my life too.........
........I feel that we make ourself our life too complicated......
...why cant life be simple...........? ? ?
simple as it should be? why do we make our own world uncomprihensible...........? ? ?

..................and I have bloody hell no idea............

................for me....
...if you ask me.......
...........we should do the things we want to ......
........speak to the people we want to speak to.........
.........and not think the consequences........for once........
.......I know what I asking is chaos and confusion everwhere.........just imagine ......people doing whatever they want to........
....and its a scary thing to even imagine.......
.......but once .....
...once cant we act in the manner we want to?
and that will be when we are in love...
...yes difficult thing to understand.....
..more difficult to express even ......
...but this is what I m saying.........
......for once in your life do what your heart desires..........
.........and say what your heart truely wants to say ........
...........without any hesitation.............
..........and believe me God will be with you.........
.......and if he is busy somewhere elsse ...
.then believe me I will be there with you all the way long..
..even if I m busy..................!

........you know ' Dil ke mamle me hamesha dil ki sun na chahie'...............

and you will ask how the hell do I know about it?
what have I done to get the right to give such kind of advise to others ..........
well....................if you ask me.............

thats what I did.........and will always do................

always........................

and ...........................

always.....................................

crickters.....

2007-10-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

You see…….every word I say has a reason behind it
……….and I really mean the words I say

…….however irrational it may sound……………….

and the fact is that I like cricketers……
even though I m not so much in to the game……..

coz the last time I played cricket…..I broke my glasses….
and my bowler….

well….
he lost his front tooth …….

But still I like them…………why…? …

…well I like their spirit ….what we call……sportsman spirit……

…..the ability , the guts , the self-respect you need to shake hands with with the winning captain keeeping a brave smile and holding your head straight…..

……even if your heart is aching for the lost match….

.that kind of spirit………that I admire in a true sportsman……..

To tell you frankly ….its your sportsman spirit, the practicality, the gentleman inside you , the frankness that I liked the most…………

….and honesty is all I have……..all I have to give.......

Lakshya

2007-09-14T02:32:00.000-07:00

.....................................................

last night I was watching the film....lakshya.....and blood ran chilled though my spine........its another such kind of movie which inspires me a lot......and in simple words.......one of my favourites.....

if you see it through my eyes ......its all about a journey.....journey of a boy towards becoming a man........ or may be a journey to discover yourself.....who you truely are...... what your heart really desires....... and to tell you ...........its the most difficult question in one's life........ that what his heart really desires..................

............what my heart desires.....................that was a question I realized I too dont know the answer when I saw it in the column of 'today's prediction'................I not a staunch followers of such 'predictions'................but you know na human mind................so even if
i dont believe I couldnt help but to see what was written in there for me...........................and it said........

"you will get what your heart desires"....................

..........................lo kar lo bat..........................

now how will I know ..............whether that the prediction is true..........?...............so .........what exactly my heart wants?..............

I thought and I thought.................

and then again I thought...................

still couldnt find out.................

what my heart really wants ..............strange isnt it...............like I know myself ..........stilll I dont know what I want...............and...if I dont know what I want ..................then how will I get it.........?

a huge question.............if you ask me............

and in the end of the day ..................when nothing happened .......I realized that .............I really dont know what is that I want..............more than anything else...................

and...........that is aim............lakshya..................a goal.....................

that is what I want................I want to have a goal in my life............be it anything........!

a lakshya for which I should live.................or die for it................

expectations..........

2007-09-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

Ohh..... I did it again........ and I m sorry that I did..........so many a times I have promiced myself........not to expect..........and yet I did it again.....

....and I guess I have to suffer it ....... for there is no other consequence but to shatter your heart and stoop again to pick it up and build it up all over again......

.....I guess I have to pay the price of believing ......... but I cant help....... I cant stop believing you.......I cant give up my hopes on you......its just to much to ask from me........

....... but.....yes.....ohh yes ...the price is too heavy ......esp . when you believed and expected with all your heart ........ it hurts......it hurts very badly......believe me....... it hurts to wait and be dissapointed every time you break your word.........

.....................foolish you may say..........................for believing a stranger.............and falling for him...........and hoping for him...................... it isnt the way world looks at reality................ but I guess I have my own rules....... which I cannot help but to follow........ coz thats wat my heart says............... and shouldnt we all be true to our hearts......?

.........................when pandora opened her box all the misery and unhappiness was out in the world........but it was hope that survived........ and helped the man from being lost ............................
................ its the only thing that survives when ......... everything is over................... hope survives...................when everything has left you....................and you start hoping.........that...............if .............................................

Siddhartha.............

2007-09-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

of course not...............not that Siddhartha.............!
he is the present day , or what to say modern version of Siddhartha........the only similarity in between them is that both are equally cool.......!........in their own way I guess.......

.................he is the one of the finest actors in Telugu film industry......may be even in Hindi film industry also........ His name is Siddhartha........

.....ohh...yeh......enough of introduction..........

now the reason.......of me being a Bengali.......feeding on Hindi films........how m I interested in Telugu stars..........esp when I know Telugu as good as Shakespeare knows bengali........!

but reason has.......dear friend...........it has.....

.......during my stay in hyderabad......I had to suffer but to listen to the unknown language of the south.........

.......surprisingly ........one fine day I realized that I was humming a telegu song.......pretty strange.....you see.....humming a song without knowing the words or the meaning .....is not a simple thing......and I figured out that it has to be a great one........as I couldnt help but to sing the whole day in that strange language......

when I querried about it.........it did turned out to be a telegu song of a recent film...in which.......yes of course.......Siddhartha is the hero......and the moment I saw the trailor of it ........I knew that I have to watch it........theres no other way out........

.......and I did......I went to the movie theater......yes.....bought the ticket......and saw the movie......

...........while watching I realized that you dont need to know the language to appreciate a good movie......or to enjoy its story......

......and ......believe me......at the end I could understand the story.......even could guess what the performers were saying as well....... pretty amazing if you ask me........!

..........so the moral of the whole story is that acting is not about language......it has a language of its own.......and anybody can read it if they want to.......thats the beauty of acting....... were action speal louder than the words and the unspoken words have a greater impact than its uttered counterpart.........only music has that ability..........I guess........

so hats off to that person ........who dragged a non-telegu person to a movie hall by the sheer splendor of its story line and superb acting........

and.......what more great tribute can one pay to an actor than to accept that I went to a movie to see his acting.......and only his acting.........

acknowledgement......

2007-08-29T05:50:00.000-07:00

...............................it would be really selfish and highly ungrateful on my part if I don't mention the names who are behind all these pleasure of putting my thoughts in words..............

so......... where do I begin...... should we start from the beginning........?

well......then I think I should thank firstly my kid bro
who thinks himself to be pro.......
but....to me he is still......the very old......
.......... Rookie........
.............who was the first person on this entire universe to appreciate my writings........ no matter how much I use foul language...... no matter how rubbish I scrap him......... he never fails to reply me back......and that too in kind words........ now....can you get better than this ?
......I guess not.......
and you know it feels really great to know that someone likes your words.......... God bless his soul...................

.......................the next person...... who gave me a reason to put my pen to paper.......oops.....or to say........ a reason to put my fingers on the keyboard.........is my fantasy....... the one who fired my imagination...............
........the ultimate coolest person the world has ever seen
......Mr. Photographer ..............
........ he is my reason to put my thoughts to words .........
...... and I guess I will never stop researching about him................

well..... as of now I can only think of these two............ but............but.......but ............ that doesnt mean that I m not influenzed by others ...................... in fact................ the every single person that I meet or talk to or read about ........ gives me something to write about...... and to think about............... and makes me wonder how my life has been shaped by them..................

be it any one........ just anyone ........
...............yes............................................
.......it can be you too.................................. ! ! !

imperfectness.............

2007-08-29T01:19:00.001-07:00

of all the people that I meet or interacted personally.................I have observed one single common factor........... that we are all imperfect..................... no matter how hard we try...no matter how many promices we make................... we have to realize that we are not as perfect we want to be......

but ...........the thing is that neither do we realize it nor do we want others to realize it........

........its when desert turns green..............

2007-08-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

.............well if you ask me about the coolest thing on earth ...........................that will be love..............no you idiot.....................its love.................
yes love...........
..................the one you cannot call by any other name but love...............one you cannot replace it by any other thing ................ the one you cannot live without....................the one which consumes your every thing....................and yet you desire for more................ that kind...........

well...... according to me everybody is in love ............ every body in this planet earth is some how or the other way is affected by love whether they admit it or not...........irrespective whether they realize it or not...................

it is one of the simplest desire of any living object ............to be loved and give love in return............simple you see.............. but ..........................
99% of the literary work is dedicated to it.....................almost all the wars in the history is fought for it.................countless number of men...( women as well.......) have died for it...........even they have raised monuments in the name of live.............even ...............even .............a whole day is dedicated for it...............................

if you ask me .................. so much of fuss is not necessary.....................but then again I cant control the world................can I ? ? ? its my own opinion............... thats it.............

why can't we keep it simple............. just like we feel hungry......or feel sleepy...........why cant it be as simple as that...............

its fantastic ! you mean I can write any thing......huh?

2007-08-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

just incredible .................does it mean I can write any thing.....? any thing on this heaven and earth and anything beyond that..........coooooooool.........

hmmm.......... now...........what should I write............ hmmmmmm.......quite strange....I have to admit............I m not finding anything to write about now............but still feel like writing......

its just like .........if you give a child a pen and she doesn't know how to write but still goes on scribbling in her own script........... I guess its like that...........

any way I guess the ink is about end......I mean time for me to go I guess.......... but this is absolutely great...................... really cool.................

lost in words

2007-08-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

I m not writing bcoz i m good at it , but because I want to be good at it............. I have always fantasised about writers ......... their abilities...........

this one is for me, by me and only for me......... I m not answerable to anyone......... nor shall I question any other person...........

I dont declare that I will write only the truth........ nor only imagination............it is where reality should and will met fantasy..........and will merge to gether to form twilight............