Philosopher's Stone, Graph Theory, Rumi and World War II

“You and me had some history

Had a semblance of honesty

All that has changed now

We shared words

Only lovers speak

How can it be

We are less than strangers

I thought I saw you yesterday

I thought I passed you on the street

I swear I saw your face

I was not imagining

That you stole a glance my way

You walked away from me

My heart it may be broken

But my eyes are dry to see”

-          Tracy Chapman

its the story about how things can go wrong....sorry....how you can have no idea how things can go wrong and how it gives you ulcer!

It is about my philosopher’s stone…..all my life I have waited for someone like him…..wanted someone like him….someone I dreamed of and thought that God cant manufacturing creatures like him…….wanted him so bad…..loved him so offensively …..worshipped him like God….almost made myself a believer…..and then I fucked myself!

…….language !!!!

Yeah I know….I could never believe one could fuck oneself so badly!!! Well……now I believe !

“I know that hearts can change
Like the seasons and the wind
But when I said forever
I thought that we'd always be friends”

No sparks flew at the first meeting……none at the second as well….well…. it took a hell lot of time to really fall in love……and unlike most of the times, where I am absolutely clueless about my starting point, this time I knew when I was exactly head over heels …….it was the year 1949, when the second world war ended. There are very few people on this earth who could mesmerize me in way that took my breath away……and I wanted to memorize every word…every thing he said…..wanted to absorb all the information which seemed like a story…..no one can tell a story like him…….you get to travel through time by his words…..he paints the picture with his words….and he does it so effortlessly that you are forced to wonder whether he is teaching the right subject here…..he must have done his doctorate in something else…..or else how can one master in so many subjects at the same time? It is not humanly possible……and there you go……I was head over heel again….

A total sucker for stories…..all I ever wished was that he would come to me everyday and tell me a story……mesmerizing …..fascinating… stunning story conjured from the pages of history or human life  or political event…..and the way he told them…..with philosophies intertwined in each stories….exactly the way I wanted…….the way I wanted them to be told….

….his beliefs, his faith, his un-quivering faith…..his faith in humanity and God…..and how both the faith became one….

…..his simplicity…..his intelligence….his quietness…..his laughter….his sadness…..his honesty and lying and how both seemed the same….

His kindness….his selfishness….and how both were unbelievably true …..

His understanding of life and his practicality….and how it contradicted…..

…oh… I loved everything….facinated…..

Oh…..he was everything I ever wanted!

Everyone has their own likings….different reasons for their likings…..so if I like a guy because he is a great story teller doesn’t makes me weird…. Or wait …does it?

Wanting something is not bad…..wanting something badly is not bad either…..what bad is when that fulfillment of your wanting depends on somebody else…..you cant control how another….another independent individual with his own personal likings…..what bad is that you became jealous coz he likes another person…..what bad is when you want to hurt him back …..

And when you thought that was bad…..life shows you another meaning of worseness !

And then things went wrong…..

How did things go wrong? When did it go bad? How did we end up not being friends? Where did I go wrong? "The more I ask …the less I know."

“Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.”

He was my friend….atleast I thought him to be so…..and I thought he too wanted me as a friend…..so how did we become strangers? Strangers….. who…. turns around and looks right at me and says nothing, not even hi. It is as if the time we had spent together as a friend just weren't important, as if they never happened…

….…and now….. when….. someone mentions his name, and asks me if i knew him.... Looking away I think of all the times we had together, sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more, and then, without explanation he was gone. I looked to where they were waiting for my answer and then I say softly, 'Once... I thought I did.'

Death of friendship is the hardest thing….. losing love …..not being loved …I can understand….not being appreciated I can totally accept….but….what kills me is the loss of a friend…. That’s the highest form of bonding….any bond that sacred ….how can that get tainted? How can someone be so polluted and perverted to ruin such friendship? Reputation is a serious thing......bad reputaion is kind of ketchup stain....which doesnt go away by explanation and people start guessing all sorts of different possible reasons to your stain.....its like you have some contagious disease ...people start to avoid you....and you feel like an untouchable .....
 I thought the world has evolved …people have progressed ….now that they are educated they will have a broad outlook…but I was horribly wrong….people still live in stone age! 

.....and when you have to lose someone because of some dirty rumour it hurts the most......

…..I aint denying that I loved him….loved him completely…..but that never went beyond the friendship….ohh…..come on ….I am pretty old to know the boundaries…..and to be honest with myself….I craved more of friendship that anything else…..crazy as it may sound…..for me friendship is much more desirable……million times more cherishable than any other relationship…..so even though I loved him….I loved him as a friend……a difficult concept …..but an honest one.

But now that has gone…..

…and I don’t know what to do …..what to do to bring it back….how to bring everything normal again?and 
I dont know ..............

…. I don’t know….

Its like taking me to the top of the tallest mountain, showing me the world and saying "and thats what you CAN'T have."

And now….I am so mad because now all I have to do is to pretend... I pretend not to light up when he enters the room...I pretend not to be upset when I think about him…, I pretend I dont look forward to see him everyday...and I have to pretend I dont miss him when he is not around. Now all these lies and pretense is making me mad….and I honestly don’t know how to get out of this …..its suffocating now……

....and the guilt ....the strong....nerve raking guilt.....  that probably you ARE responsible for the mess...may be its your actions that have led to this situation.....you blame yourself a million times..........but none of them are true.....there was nothing that you could have done....but the guilt....the guilt stays back.....

You smile when you feel like crying, you act like you're okay, when you're falling apart inside and you let it go. You move on, because there's nothing else you can do.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. ” – Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy. May be we just have to live life like this.....

So here I am  …...
.sitting in front of my laptop….listening to Eagles explaining how love will keep us alive…...
..yeah…....sure....
......you can try listening to it if you like…....
..........try if you are in a state as I am right now…
..lonely…truly lonely….tired…...
....... sorry, make that dead tired …...
.with two consecutive nights of two hours of sleep….classes….watched Grey’s Anatomy ….an old serial …pretty old…. talking about responsibility…..after a one and half hour of waiting at the bus stop for a journey of 40 minutes …..praying all the way that you have the courage left to cook for yourself coz tomorrow again starts at four……wet…soaked to the core ..not by rain but with tears …..cold….shivering ….forgot your jacket…..have no one to call to pick you up or comfort with a hot cup of tea…or for that matter anything…..any warm comforting words …for you have no idea what you are doing …where you are going……no damn idea about the subject that you choose for your thesis and have no bloody idea what you are going to teach tomorrow coz you don’t have time to prepare….. neither the incentive nor the will to work for it …
 and ultimately …after dinner along with the fruit.... you have swallowed a seed of the custard apple …and now constantly worrying and wondering how's it gonna come out and from where …...

…yeah …sure why not!......listen to Eagles …..

Soutions at infinity

Faith …friendship…..and religion and everything in between…………..

Random words right??????

Well …if you think closely in a way they are related .............

…friendship is based on faith
....and friendship tends to become your religion if you are deep enough in that relationship…......

Atleast that’s what my logic says…..
....that’s what my religion says……

…… putting thoughts into clearly understood words is the toughest task ……...
but still …
.....still I would try…..
....try to write ….well in a way it helps in clarifying my thoughts ….so the reason …the ultimate thing …the reason!!!! For me, everything has a reason and everything can be and should be explained in a rational manner.

Since I don’t know where to start, let me put things randomly ….stating in random manner…and lets see where it goes ……for, it is in chaos that the universe was created , it is in randomness a pattern can be identified!!!!

Hmmmm…..lets see shall we ?????


I don’t believe in god…..and I am severly punished for that. Shall I rephrase my words? I don’t believe in god in the conventional way. I don’t believe that we have to worship him, follow the rituals, conventional way of praying to him……yea there is god…a supreme power, which is creator of everything…but we don’t have to worship him….yes I agree.. that we have to show respect, but it should be shown by love, by loving another human being, by showing kindness to other living creature, by following your duties , to understand what is good and have equal respect and be just and fair and have compassion, by being humble, the ability to forgive, always ready to forgive, with a smile lend out a helping hand, try to share the pain and happiness with equal amount of enthusiasm, the courage to put others need first before yours, in short all the things that Abu Ben Adam was proud of and I too am proud of…I am proud of being a good human being….. I do have the conviction, strength and willingness to follow the things I have just said …..and that is how I believe you can be closer to god. That Is how I believe god wants us to pray to him …..by trying to be a good human being …..thats my religion……

And I am proud of that…… I was proud of that ….i was …. Not anymore…..






I have lost my faith …………..my entire will…………….my desire to know………….the quest to ask …………question everything ……………..believe in kindness……..love……affection………….goodness………all the virtues I appreciated seems to be useless……………nothing happens out of free will………………..i have stopped believing in people……stopped believing that people are good…..kind…..people are not ………….they are not good ……………… it thought that people genuinely care for others…..they don’t …………..they don’t care ……………..they don’t bother to care…………..

Losing hope is the worst thing that can happen…………its like dying before death…………..its a bad feeling ………….when you wish to die in oblivion…………..with nothing to look forward to …………….