“I used to think the past was dead and long gone……
I was wrong …so wrong………………”
- Robert Pattinson
and she thought she has grown up…….
That …..she has grown over him……….
Got over him…………………
The madness……….
The trembling of hands…….
The pain so deep….that sometimes its hard to even breathe
The passion……..
The addiction………
Her eccentricity………
Her insanity……….and may be even more …………
That even after 15years she still go weak in her knees and starts grinning like a cheshire cat whenever she hears his name …………
………….and she thought it was all gone ?????
he was a part of her life…her insignificant, ordinary life……and she lived for him…..one might say that she’s crazy…insane to believe in a fictional character and falling head over heels in love with a person who doesn’t even exist…..
exist ?????
well……to her he does….in her head…in her heart…for she loved him so much…….that she made him up in her head….to fall in love with all her heart…….
Crazy ????
Cheesy ????
Guess its both…..she was crazy about him…..may be even more than just crazy…..
You see….she was a peculiar kid…..a 14 year old falling in love with a FBI agent……how odd does it sound?????
….odd????
…..do you think she really cared?
…does anybody care?
…..does anyone ever cares about the world when they fall in love ???
…the world just seemed to freeze in front of her eyes whenever she thought of him……..the class, the classmates, teachers, annexation of Aurangazeb to the throne, chemical composition of ammonium hydrochloride, all…..all seemed to just disappear with the velocity of light and a man would appear out of nowhere wearing a long dark overcoat with a gun in his hand…..shouting ….”FBI…….. drop your weapons……….”
……hell !!!!!!!!!!!
who needs a gun????
……his eyes were enough to kill anybody!
She never concealed it from anyone about her craziness for him …….but nobody really understood the extent of this madness…the impact he had on her thoughts….and she couldn’t make anyone realize that……may be she never wanted to ….
For most of the time she kept it to herself…..and when all her classmates would seriously discuss about how handsome Madhavan looked in Seahawks or how romantic Salman was in Hum Aap ke hain kyon……..she could only imagine her hero………tall, brooding, on a constant struggle to find out the truth, his relentless quest to prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life-form on this earth……………to her he was the most extraordinary…unlike any other hero anyone can imagine of……he was her very own absolutely personal brand of super hero !
Well………..every form of insanity starts to show its first symptoms at some point of time ……..it begins somewhere……
It all began on a winter night of Saraswati puja when she was in class eight may be …she and her brother sat down to catch up the latest show they heard…. Her bro told about the show which was about extraterrestrial life, mutant bugs, UFO’s, alien abduction, sorcery, occult, reincarnation, psychic connections, artificial intelligence, government conspiracy and all sorts of such crap…..all sorts of craps that she loves to read…..
So she watched it ……
And that night she couldn’t sleep…..at all…………
….all she could think of that person…..being so courageous, so intelligent, so passionate, yet so stubborn, so vulnerable, so determined, so compassionate, so witty, so extra-ordinarily brilliant…….everything about him fascinated her…..everything drew her towards him….slowly and surely…..
and before she could realize it,
before she could fully comprehend it,
before the truth could really seep in …
…..she had fallen in love with him…
…….”irrecoverably ..unconditionally in love with him”……..
…and with each passing week …the insanity started to grow inside her……
…and one day she watched him cry……saw him breakdown……saw his passion
…the love and the unadulterated affection towards his partner……
the way he was desperate to save her……
the way he could go any length just to make sure she’s all right…..
the way he felt sorry, guilty, responsible about what happened to his partner….
the way he thought he had lost everything……
and then the smile….
….the smile……..
…..wow……..!!!
…….that heart-warming, sincere, genuine smile that dazzles up the entire room with the brilliance of thousand sunshine when he got her back…….
the way he never lost his faith…..made him…
well…..made him more human……
……that even if he is strong and stubborn, he is just as vulnerable and susceptible to pain and fear of losing and yet man enough to pick up the broken pieces and start all over again when everything was lost in fire……
you see…..he was an utter failure……
he could never solve a single case in his entire career….
…….he could never prove what he believed in ……..
and that he would always come so close to the truth to ultimately believe in the lie…
…..but …
…still…
…..what made him a hero was that he never gave up…..
……..neither did he stopped trusting his beliefs…….
………nor did he stop loving Scully …..no matter how hard it was to carry on…….
You see……
you can worship a hero….
you can be a fan of a person who can do anything he wants…….
but to fall in love ???????
………to fall in love you need to see their weakness, their Achilles heel, their point of vulnerability……their emotions which make them a human…..
So that night ….when he lost everything….she realized for the first time …how deeply madly truly she had fallen in love with him….the empathy she felt for him…….like she wanted to be a part of his life ….share his sorrows, admire his passion for work…what she felt was this indomitable, uncontrollable urge to express her emotions…….to say it out loud how she felt about him……and let everyone know that she had fallen in love…….
…….in that urge…in that undefeatable urge to let it out …….she took help of two inanimate objects…..paper and a pen ……and wrote what happens to be her first ever declaration of love.
Like I said ….she was a peculiar child !
One after the other…..and the other….and it grew like a habit ….like it was a part of her life to write about him, to him, for him…….how much he meant to her….how much she adored him, worshipped him, fantasized about him, how she loved his virtues ……and vices even more……..
…what was more fascinating was that writing to him was so easy, natural, effortless…..that she could go on writing ……..like every song seemed to fit perfectly to what she was feeling, every passionate sonnets, stories she read seemed to be relevant…..and she would quote them in her letters….every detailed emotion…….
….well…she is no Stephanie Meyer…….neither was her passionate letters any match for the Twilight…..but to her ….he was her very own Edward Cullen……..
(Wooo…..hooo…………timez up !!!!!!!!!!!
If I let her ……well……she can go on and on and on for another 376927 million more words!!!!! ……god!!!!!!!!!!!!…..can’t she ever stop !!!!! I can’t let that happen……I m running out of time …….so …to cut the long story short ……I have to intervene ……hey …its my blog …..I can do whatever I want ……anyway……so the story goes like this……)
She fell in love….wrote to him….saw his work…..fell more deeply in love…..almost outrageous irreversible type of love…..and then the show stopped….she cried for a few days…..let her heart out in those silly letters…..and then there was her class X finals…..now…writing love letters can’t make you pass in chemistry ? can it ? so like all predictable love stories this too was slowly annihilated by time…
…..but that’s not what my real intensions were in sharing it in this space……
……what she never told …rather avoided it so efficiently was that how she was in trouble …..or to put it in this way ……was in mortal danger because of him….because of her uncontrollable urge ……..
…..I was about to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…………..when ???? after another 14 years ????
………if you just let me ……….
…….fine!……..go ahead …….you have another 15 minutes……
Its so long time back……it just feels like another era altogether……
Well…….just like every crack head who falls in love wants the picture of their loved ones……and that was where the whole trouble began……life was not as smooth and filled with information like it is now ……during her time, at that age, very few had the knowledge of internet and even less had the free access to it…….yeah ….I know it seems like medieval age where the only source of information was the encyclopedia of your school library or the newspaper……or the dictionary ……..none of them helped in finding out the picture or any sort of information about him…..she got the full form of FBI, knew what alien abduction means, read in the magazines about the UFOs, area 51, but nowhere……absolutely nowhere she could find a picture of him……newspapers that time didn’t publish pictures of some unknown hero of some silly American serials….times were different around those times…….
..and then one fine morning……….
……her best friend whispered the information…….there is a picture of Fox Mulder on the magazine of Cosmopolitan! They featured a story on him!
………but what about the rest of the content??????
She was innocent (at least that time….) but not that naïve not to understand the dangerous and explosive adult contents in the same copy!!!
………she just flipped over the idea……
…there’s no way !!!!!
…….how could she ?????
……but she has to …she had to ……..
………...love makes the most timid shy girl desperate to the extent which even she refuses to believe……. .!
….she asked her friend…..would you please come along ?
……she scowled …….you gotta be mad you know that? How could you even have the courage to go to the stall and ask the magazine man for that? Think of your reputation!
To hang with reputation !!!!!!!!! She thought. She NEED the pictures.
Life’s lesson no. 614: when someone tries to dare you, you get even more desperate!
Planning part was easy! All she had to do was to save up a couple of week’s pocket money (Rs. 50 to be presise) and has to go far away from home to a magazine stall where no one knows her!
The actual ….most dangerous part was…… the execution.
she never broke any norms before ……or for that matter had ever done anything inappropriate or outrageous ….ever !!!!! so imagine the rush …..the exhilaration …the pure untainted adraline rush pushing her …….and ……she decided not to speak anything as her voice trembled , she stopped breathing….as she picked up the magazine from the display without looking at the man she just pushed the note to his hand and walked away so slowly as it was as normal as buying tomatoes from the bazaar…….while from inside she was shaking out of terror and panic, what if the man calls back and enquires her being underage or anything???
…….well …..the maneuver was as smooth as silk except for the near panic heart attack inside her! Rest all was euphoratic joy of celebration!!!!!
Pictures ……those wonderful pictures …….those mesmerizing enchanting pictures of him she coveted so much !!!!!! (yeah…..of course she gorged over the rest of the content also….but that’s not important here…..) she looked at those pictures for a million times yet they were not sufficient to satisfy her thirst…….she kept her magazine in her school bag……the safest place in her home coz she carries it to school and when she’s at home its under her table where no one looks but her……and the bonus of keeping it with her was that she could gaze at them whenever she wanted…….it felt like heaven!!!
But happiness …like any other strawberry ice-cream doesn’t last long……
And ……on another not so fine morning ……..heaven metamorphosed !!!!
…….it was all about the geometry box…….!
After having an exhausting session of algebra, her dad thought of lighting up the air with a wholesome dose of drawing the angles (yeah … as if like the sole existence of our happiness depends on it!)…..and while she was busy with those mysterious unidentifiable numbers, her dad got all emotional and offered to help and bring the box…..he asked….where do you keep it ?
and before she could realize it,
before she could fully comprehend it,
before the reality, the implications could really seep in …
…..she replied…its in my bag, dad, beneath the table …….
