let it be ......

So whats with me and with my office……
I don’t know ….
I seriously don’t know …..
I don’t know where I went wrong !.....
..and I m trying so hard to figure it out …but still cant !

There were times before when I used to tell myself …..its ok …everything will be fine ….things will be sorted out at last
….but know what ????
…..it doesn’t …!
…..things are not going fine …..things are not sorting themselves out …..

and I need help……..!

I need help now …

I need to get over this heartache …

which is like a pain in the throat so sharp that you cant swallow it ……

and its like over a month now …..

actually more than that ….

it kind of started last December….and its april now ….

it should have stopped by now ….but its not going away …..

…I need to figure it out ….where did I went wrong !
May be its not one big great blunder…..but an accumulation of several small wrong steps …..that added up to this !

Jealousy was one thing I thought I was too noble to have it inside me …..I m wrong ….I m not God…..and I shouldn’t try to be one ……I have all the human emotional vices …..where …now…jealousy seems to be taking its prime seat !
but should I be blamed ?
if someone takes up the things I love to do ….the stuff I love to work at …..is it extremely twisted to be jealous ?
I m not saying the others should not do the same stuff…..but why take up my right to do the same things ?
They may say I aint that smart ….not good enough ….but everybody has their own good points ….they aren’t bad at everything …..I admit I m not that excellent as the other might be …..but should that make me dispensable ??? I might just have other qualities …..

I guess there the problem lies ….I need to find out where m I good at …
..coz
…now …..I feel quite down …
..these are the times when I feel that I m not good for anything …
.but that’s not true ..I hope ….I hope its just a feeling and it will just go away with time …….

This is not supposed to be a good way to live …

..when down inside you feel sorry for yourself

and yet cant find a way out from this horrible cycle …

.where you feel bad and thus you work up more errors and then people disapprove of your work and you end up being more miserable…..

and the vicious cycle keeps on revolving !

Know what …..now this thing has gone so deep-rooted that when ever anybody praises of something…I keep on feeling that the person is showing sympathy …..and don’t mean them from their heart……

but this is not what supposed to happen in life….I mean …I believe everybody is good at something at least …..you just need to find out that thing !!!
But right now I m just too horribly depressed to think of any good thing …..and the worst of all ……most of my friends are not here……….actually I don’t need them all….I just need one ….my friend …..and I m not feeling good without her …..it just seems impossible to live without her …..but then I have to ……and I m not finding any way out of this ….life is not always what you like it to be …..and you have to accept that !

In pursuit of happiness….when Christofer and his son went to a church …..there was a song saying ……God don’t move the mountain but give me the strength to climb it !

that’s all I ask for ……
to give me the courage to go through life……..
and to know the right things that I want to do with my life……!