Philosopher's Stone, Graph Theory, Rumi and World War II

“You and me had some history

Had a semblance of honesty

All that has changed now

We shared words

Only lovers speak

How can it be

We are less than strangers

I thought I saw you yesterday

I thought I passed you on the street

I swear I saw your face

I was not imagining

That you stole a glance my way

You walked away from me

My heart it may be broken

But my eyes are dry to see”

-          Tracy Chapman

its the story about how things can go wrong....sorry....how you can have no idea how things can go wrong and how it gives you ulcer!

It is about my philosopher’s stone…..all my life I have waited for someone like him…..wanted someone like him….someone I dreamed of and thought that God cant manufacturing creatures like him…….wanted him so bad…..loved him so offensively …..worshipped him like God….almost made myself a believer…..and then I fucked myself!

…….language !!!!

Yeah I know….I could never believe one could fuck oneself so badly!!! Well……now I believe !

“I know that hearts can change
Like the seasons and the wind
But when I said forever
I thought that we'd always be friends”

No sparks flew at the first meeting……none at the second as well….well…. it took a hell lot of time to really fall in love……and unlike most of the times, where I am absolutely clueless about my starting point, this time I knew when I was exactly head over heels …….it was the year 1949, when the second world war ended. There are very few people on this earth who could mesmerize me in way that took my breath away……and I wanted to memorize every word…every thing he said…..wanted to absorb all the information which seemed like a story…..no one can tell a story like him…….you get to travel through time by his words…..he paints the picture with his words….and he does it so effortlessly that you are forced to wonder whether he is teaching the right subject here…..he must have done his doctorate in something else…..or else how can one master in so many subjects at the same time? It is not humanly possible……and there you go……I was head over heel again….

A total sucker for stories…..all I ever wished was that he would come to me everyday and tell me a story……mesmerizing …..fascinating… stunning story conjured from the pages of history or human life  or political event…..and the way he told them…..with philosophies intertwined in each stories….exactly the way I wanted…….the way I wanted them to be told….

….his beliefs, his faith, his un-quivering faith…..his faith in humanity and God…..and how both the faith became one….

…..his simplicity…..his intelligence….his quietness…..his laughter….his sadness…..his honesty and lying and how both seemed the same….

His kindness….his selfishness….and how both were unbelievably true …..

His understanding of life and his practicality….and how it contradicted…..

…oh… I loved everything….facinated…..

Oh…..he was everything I ever wanted!

Everyone has their own likings….different reasons for their likings…..so if I like a guy because he is a great story teller doesn’t makes me weird…. Or wait …does it?

Wanting something is not bad…..wanting something badly is not bad either…..what bad is when that fulfillment of your wanting depends on somebody else…..you cant control how another….another independent individual with his own personal likings…..what bad is that you became jealous coz he likes another person…..what bad is when you want to hurt him back …..

And when you thought that was bad…..life shows you another meaning of worseness !

And then things went wrong…..

How did things go wrong? When did it go bad? How did we end up not being friends? Where did I go wrong? "The more I ask …the less I know."

“Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.”

He was my friend….atleast I thought him to be so…..and I thought he too wanted me as a friend…..so how did we become strangers? Strangers….. who…. turns around and looks right at me and says nothing, not even hi. It is as if the time we had spent together as a friend just weren't important, as if they never happened…

….…and now….. when….. someone mentions his name, and asks me if i knew him.... Looking away I think of all the times we had together, sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more, and then, without explanation he was gone. I looked to where they were waiting for my answer and then I say softly, 'Once... I thought I did.'

Death of friendship is the hardest thing….. losing love …..not being loved …I can understand….not being appreciated I can totally accept….but….what kills me is the loss of a friend…. That’s the highest form of bonding….any bond that sacred ….how can that get tainted? How can someone be so polluted and perverted to ruin such friendship? Reputation is a serious thing......bad reputaion is kind of ketchup stain....which doesnt go away by explanation and people start guessing all sorts of different possible reasons to your stain.....its like you have some contagious disease ...people start to avoid you....and you feel like an untouchable .....
 I thought the world has evolved …people have progressed ….now that they are educated they will have a broad outlook…but I was horribly wrong….people still live in stone age! 

.....and when you have to lose someone because of some dirty rumour it hurts the most......

…..I aint denying that I loved him….loved him completely…..but that never went beyond the friendship….ohh…..come on ….I am pretty old to know the boundaries…..and to be honest with myself….I craved more of friendship that anything else…..crazy as it may sound…..for me friendship is much more desirable……million times more cherishable than any other relationship…..so even though I loved him….I loved him as a friend……a difficult concept …..but an honest one.

But now that has gone…..

…and I don’t know what to do …..what to do to bring it back….how to bring everything normal again?and 
I dont know ..............

…. I don’t know….

Its like taking me to the top of the tallest mountain, showing me the world and saying "and thats what you CAN'T have."

And now….I am so mad because now all I have to do is to pretend... I pretend not to light up when he enters the room...I pretend not to be upset when I think about him…, I pretend I dont look forward to see him everyday...and I have to pretend I dont miss him when he is not around. Now all these lies and pretense is making me mad….and I honestly don’t know how to get out of this …..its suffocating now……

....and the guilt ....the strong....nerve raking guilt.....  that probably you ARE responsible for the mess...may be its your actions that have led to this situation.....you blame yourself a million times..........but none of them are true.....there was nothing that you could have done....but the guilt....the guilt stays back.....

You smile when you feel like crying, you act like you're okay, when you're falling apart inside and you let it go. You move on, because there's nothing else you can do.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. ” – Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy. May be we just have to live life like this.....

So here I am  …...
.sitting in front of my laptop….listening to Eagles explaining how love will keep us alive…...
..yeah…....sure....
......you can try listening to it if you like…....
..........try if you are in a state as I am right now…
..lonely…truly lonely….tired…...
....... sorry, make that dead tired …...
.with two consecutive nights of two hours of sleep….classes….watched Grey’s Anatomy ….an old serial …pretty old…. talking about responsibility…..after a one and half hour of waiting at the bus stop for a journey of 40 minutes …..praying all the way that you have the courage left to cook for yourself coz tomorrow again starts at four……wet…soaked to the core ..not by rain but with tears …..cold….shivering ….forgot your jacket…..have no one to call to pick you up or comfort with a hot cup of tea…or for that matter anything…..any warm comforting words …for you have no idea what you are doing …where you are going……no damn idea about the subject that you choose for your thesis and have no bloody idea what you are going to teach tomorrow coz you don’t have time to prepare….. neither the incentive nor the will to work for it …
 and ultimately …after dinner along with the fruit.... you have swallowed a seed of the custard apple …and now constantly worrying and wondering how's it gonna come out and from where …...

…yeah …sure why not!......listen to Eagles …..

Soutions at infinity

Faith …friendship…..and religion and everything in between…………..

Random words right??????

Well …if you think closely in a way they are related .............

…friendship is based on faith
....and friendship tends to become your religion if you are deep enough in that relationship…......

Atleast that’s what my logic says…..
....that’s what my religion says……

…… putting thoughts into clearly understood words is the toughest task ……...
but still …
.....still I would try…..
....try to write ….well in a way it helps in clarifying my thoughts ….so the reason …the ultimate thing …the reason!!!! For me, everything has a reason and everything can be and should be explained in a rational manner.

Since I don’t know where to start, let me put things randomly ….stating in random manner…and lets see where it goes ……for, it is in chaos that the universe was created , it is in randomness a pattern can be identified!!!!

Hmmmm…..lets see shall we ?????


I don’t believe in god…..and I am severly punished for that. Shall I rephrase my words? I don’t believe in god in the conventional way. I don’t believe that we have to worship him, follow the rituals, conventional way of praying to him……yea there is god…a supreme power, which is creator of everything…but we don’t have to worship him….yes I agree.. that we have to show respect, but it should be shown by love, by loving another human being, by showing kindness to other living creature, by following your duties , to understand what is good and have equal respect and be just and fair and have compassion, by being humble, the ability to forgive, always ready to forgive, with a smile lend out a helping hand, try to share the pain and happiness with equal amount of enthusiasm, the courage to put others need first before yours, in short all the things that Abu Ben Adam was proud of and I too am proud of…I am proud of being a good human being….. I do have the conviction, strength and willingness to follow the things I have just said …..and that is how I believe you can be closer to god. That Is how I believe god wants us to pray to him …..by trying to be a good human being …..thats my religion……

And I am proud of that…… I was proud of that ….i was …. Not anymore…..






I have lost my faith …………..my entire will…………….my desire to know………….the quest to ask …………question everything ……………..believe in kindness……..love……affection………….goodness………all the virtues I appreciated seems to be useless……………nothing happens out of free will………………..i have stopped believing in people……stopped believing that people are good…..kind…..people are not ………….they are not good ……………… it thought that people genuinely care for others…..they don’t …………..they don’t care ……………..they don’t bother to care…………..

Losing hope is the worst thing that can happen…………its like dying before death…………..its a bad feeling ………….when you wish to die in oblivion…………..with nothing to look forward to …………….

dewali mela

the flickering candles, bursting crakers
and its deafening roar.........
...all the trivial traditions we try to conjure .....
...coz.....still a tiny cord ties us to our families .......
......a part we all left back there....
...no matter were wee roam.....
.....can lights really light up our lives ??????
......all in the vain to make a house a home................

maahh......eclipse of my heart

So ………….you are in love with the moon???? How did that happen?????



I had a pond at the back of my house………
…and one day …rather one beautiful night …
..I saw the moon shining brightly ….right there at my backyard…

.. dazzling with its lunatic laughter……
..mesmerizing by its luminance …
… softly complained…

…what are you doing there inside the house??? Come out ………play with me…..

………….and I fell in love with the moon…
…just like that …
..that very moment …
….that very second….
.unknowingly …
..unaware of the penalties of loving something such ethereal…so beautiful…..brilliant…… captivating…..something so unreal !
….it forced me …
…force !!!!!
force is a rather rude word…
..it compelled me to appreciate its beauty ....
…the fragility…....
.......the elusive beauty of this world and beyond…..
.......something I thought was beyond my comprehension…
...…..my logic …reason…..proof……evidence….reality……

……..everything got washed away………..by the flooding moonlight !

……and I fell in love with the reflection of the moon in my backyard pool………..



“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. "
Oscar Wilde



I have tried a million times to remain positive about this………

……..not to have any sad feeling……

…..but everytime I think about it ….i fail….

............and the shadow of sadness eclipse my heart.

I know.......
………..it was never mine from the very beginning……
So….why am I sad?
…..why am I contemplating over things which was not mine?.....

...........was never meant to happen from the very first…………….

………….it is not mine ………

…..not hers……

…not theirs……

……..it is of somebody else……

….somebody beyond this world………

…….not to anybody in this world that we live in………………

Of course it is there in each and everybody……it belongs to everyone…..!
And since it belongs to everyone and everyone indicates infinity…it divides itself into infinite parts…..and therefore everyone gets a part of nothing……

........I know.......

....yet.......

.......still........

So….what are you jealous of kid?
…the affection?
…..the caring?
…..the attention?
…..darling be smart enough to understand that it was not exclusive……

….the moon belongs to everyone ……

…..it showers equal amount of kindness, affection, attraction, closeness with everyone.
…so….what are you complaining about????what were you thinking?
……that you are special? That you meant something different? That you hold a special place there???????
…..no…. you are not.

…you are just as same as everyone else is……………

You are just one among the millions!

Hurting words? ….might be…..
Crushes up your ego?.....it should be crushed…..
Heart breaking? …………….it was meant to be broken dear!

…………you are just one among the millions!!!




Moon ….it shines on everyone yet it sparkles for none…

.......everybody appreciates its beauty…..

....everybody wants to own it ……

......everyone thinks it rises of him only …..

......everyone tries to monopolise it…some try to use it…..

......some even toys with the idea of making it a playmate….

........everybody is free to think and feel what they feel like ….

.......they have the same and equal right to appreciate it …

.....enjoy its beauty …

…free to think that the moon is theirs……
…….and they can rightfully do so……
Coz the moon belongs to them just as much it belongs to you darling…….

…now…now…now……

…just because you have fallen in love with the reflection doesn’t mean the reflection will start loving you back…..it loves none…..

…and when there is no mutual exclusivity, there cannot be love …..its just plain reflection…..
………please don’t fall in love with the reflection……the reflection wont bother back……
…it doesn’t care……
….it doesn’t matter…….
……it doesn’t care how much you weep….how far you get insulted……how badly you get hurt…….no matter how every moment of every single night and day you think about it….dream of it…..wrench your heart and soul ….

.....it will remain and will always remain ........

….just a reflection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…..it will continue to wane and wax according to its own calendar…its luminosity or darkness has its own schedule irrespective of whether you like it or not…….
…your love is insignificant ….trivial…..expendable…..most importantly …..it makes no difference at all !

please dont fall in love with the reflection of the moon in the pool of your backyard......!

..............but I already did.......................

Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

There was a seed. He was quite oblivious to his own existence, until a very fine day he was dropped on earth.

….and he screamed…………….
”where on the name of God have I landed?????’


……he wondered and wondered….and got petrified …
…..unaware of such hardships before…
…before this…..he was blissfully sleeping within the quiet comfort of a fruit……
..and suddenly…
.. rather rudely……………..
..something woke him up….and thrashed him on this hard rock!


……” how is someone supposed to live here on his own??????
There’s no water………
…….the soil is too harsh…
….its damm hot out here…
…..where’s the shade to cool down??????????????
How am I going to even survive over here?????????????”


….the more he thought …more helpless he felt and gradually that helplessness got converted into frustration, anger and fear……………..all emotions jumbled up in a single frame …………as he was rustled up

photosynthesis.......and other things

When I saw you standing there
I about fell off my chair
When you moved your mouth to speak
I felt the blood go to my feet

Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just cried
I see the want in your blue eyes


Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want you, the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be



You told yourself years ago
You’d never let your feelings show
The obligation that you made
For the title that they gave



Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want to , the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be


Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just cried
I see the want in your blue eyes


Baby, I’d love you to want me
The way that I want to , the way that it should be
Baby, you’d love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you only let it be

‘Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?’

let me put this straight first..............
I m not at all in love with you................
even if I say I do....................
I m not in love with you .....................
not a bit.......nor a byte...............
I m not at all in love with you !

m I out of my mind ?
just because I look over your pictures...pictures taken by you .....of you ...
(I mean ...whats the difference????????????
both are equally magnificent creations !!!!!!!!!!!
.............isnt it ?)
just because I see them a million times.............and yet again ???
and every time I take a break from work ......I look at those and feel like transported to that world ....and let out a secret sigh , I m in love with you ??????
you gotta be kidding me !


I m not at all in love with you ...................
not an inch...............not a mile .......................
even if I say I do..............................
I m not at all in love with you ...................!


I m positively....absolutely....definitely........not in love with you.......
even if I think you are sexier than Brad Pitt....more deliciously handsome than Keanu Reeves.....and even more ridiculously charming than Hugh Grant !!!
and that every time I see you .............I go weak in knees......n every time I see that glint......that sparkle in your eyes.....that killing smile (....you gotta stop smiling immediately...........I mean they should arrest you for it ............I mean how many more casualties do you want ??)

and every time I look at you ..............or even think of you ...............my heart skips a bit ............Jesus !!!!!!!!!!!! have mercy !!!!! I
gotta see a doctor...I mean its so difficult to breathe, so impossible to stay calm and my hands starts to tremble ...........
Lord ! m I suffering from anemia ???

love you ?????
its more like I hate you ..............
I really hate you for ...................for ................well..........
.....for mostly living the life I always wanted to live................
……. Coz it was you who fired my imagination……
…. And I started to live my life through you …
… One who is doing the things I always dreamed of doing …. Going places I always wished to go……
… doing what you feel like doing…
… having the personality I always aspired to have…..
this burning envy that’s there within me .......may be still has stayed back......
and when you envy so much about a person …….a part of that person lingers back in your heart …………..and more you envy the more larger part stays behind ………..and slowly it grows and matures and starts having a life of its own ……………..and you start imagining things that you know you should not …….you mustn’t ………….you cant ………..and then there’s the point when the real trouble begins ……….point where you start talking to yourself in your head with another person. Normal people call those first symptoms of going nuts …..
but poets ….
…..hmmm …..
they are different ……
…..they call it falling in love ……!
……crap…!!!!!!!!!!!
………. these poet people are psycho!!!!............. I should stay away from them.
It’s a really dangerous if you ask me ………arguing with oneself ……….you will never know who will win or may be more importantly ….you don’t know whom you want to win!!! whose side you are on?!?!


Finally………….
I know inside my head - that you don’t …..yet inside my heart - I hope that you do …
…and probably in reality you don’t even know I exist in this stupid world …
…but still I do …
.. I want to……
I would love to ……
……I know I won’t dare…. ever ……coz I have been burnt once n I m too afraid to try it again or may be too mortified …
…I don’t know ………

May be you will know ….
…….may be you don’t …
…..…may be you already know and don’t care…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To me …you will always be that wonderful guy who could do anything he wished for and had the courage to pursue his own dream…..that cool dude……who still has a sensibility to appreciate the poem “wear sunscreen”……who still stumbles and chuckles out a wonderful laughter when a silly nervous obsessive fan calls up and soothes out her tension by agreeing with her silly ideas……
…….you are a great guy ! May your tribe increase ………!
……so…..
….yet ……
….I will always be your researcher who still turns back and gives a second look whenever she sees a black pulsar 150dtsi….

…….still …………..!