cloud no. 9

Do I have to say the words?

Do I have to tell the truth?

Do I have to shout it out?

Do I have to say a prayer?

I guess not …………..


….know what??
to me …..life is all about the small, yet not insignificant things that you tend to remember in the long run........
…......like say …
..........in the next ten year …
you will most likely to remember the kind words of your friend when you were down ,
or the support through the gentle pat from your senior
….and not the amount of money you made or the number of gadgets you bought!


Life is all about such simple pleasures ......
and that often come from the most unexpected places !
actually its more tastier when its un-expected ! believe me ....!

cant say much about.... what is life.....!...tried googling it once!

no ...seriously.....cant say much.....for the simple fact that I havent finished my journey yet .......
yet ...
what I like about it is that it always maintains a balance ......
.....dynamic equilibrium......I guess !
coz.......you cant be too happy
or...... too sad for that matter !
......just when you thought you are a scumbag in the face of this universe.........(I mean .....when you feel really low....).....
.....life suddenly springs up and gives you this wonderful gift
...the gift of friendship......
and those who think I m being poetic about it ......I m......!
(blame the weather..........how can you resist the charm of rain? its totally proven that the tendency to write non-sense is directly proportionate to the amount of rainfall and the drop in temperature subsequently.....)


For me …..life is not always sweet and rosy ….mostly of course because of my nature …..really cant blame it to others…no matter how hard I try to ……I cant !

n if I m true to myself …..I know ….deep in side me ….I know whats wrong with me …
......yet I cant ......(no......cant will be a wrong word)
.......yet I dont do something about it ….
ohh the dark side of me …..
yeh......of course .....I have another side
…everyone has it …even batman has it......
whether they are aware of it or not …..


I m not always this casual sweet funny one who has no wants, no vices, no desires, no ill-habits .......I do......just dont ask me the list ......

its just that I m too apt to hide them ….its only the ppl I live with know me inside out …..
to them I m the most irresponsible, un-hygienic girl around,
absolutely always procrastinating,
never having the desire to improve myself ,
the laziest ass anyone has known.

And I know its because of all these vices I face the trouble that I face!
Its simple law dear …..reap what you sow !
and how can I blame anyone else for that!



yet....after all that's said and done ......
Yet …I have to admit …..I m the luckiest ass anyone has ever seen!
And trust me when I say this …….that I have the most affectionate friend one can ever think of for such an lousy girl!


And that is in terms of love that is showered unconditionally
….and most importantly ......
......unexpectedly…..!!!
..........from the people I least anticipate ….!!!

and you know …these are the moments that you think that you are truly blessed.....
truly being loved in spite of your inadequacy......

...... I guess it’s a feeling mostly …..that you sense …
may be I m wrong
(statistics say that …there are more probability of me being wrong than to be right, if past facts are taken for consideration)
….may be I m wrong…..
but it do sure feels so right!


Love is not always dependent upon the size or for that matter price of the gift …
but it’s the thought….
the kind of feeling.......... that goes behind a gift….
its when you feel “you would love to give” …..and not when you feel “you have to give”….. !



And believe me its such a wonderful feeling beyond words….....
beyond any “thank you’s”........
beyond any such formalities ........
esp. when you are at the receiving end…..!!!
.......receiving no less than pure love and adoration…..
.......a gift of friendship......a human relationship beyond any boundaries .......

believe me its feels like cloud no. 9…..if Mr. Adams is right ……it do sure feels right !


And...... so buddy........?

…..do I have to say it loud?

…do I have to speak it out ?…..

do I have to tell the truth……that I thank thee from the bottom of my heart !

let it be ......

So whats with me and with my office……
I don’t know ….
I seriously don’t know …..
I don’t know where I went wrong !.....
..and I m trying so hard to figure it out …but still cant !

There were times before when I used to tell myself …..its ok …everything will be fine ….things will be sorted out at last
….but know what ????
…..it doesn’t …!
…..things are not going fine …..things are not sorting themselves out …..

and I need help……..!

I need help now …

I need to get over this heartache …

which is like a pain in the throat so sharp that you cant swallow it ……

and its like over a month now …..

actually more than that ….

it kind of started last December….and its april now ….

it should have stopped by now ….but its not going away …..

…I need to figure it out ….where did I went wrong !
May be its not one big great blunder…..but an accumulation of several small wrong steps …..that added up to this !

Jealousy was one thing I thought I was too noble to have it inside me …..I m wrong ….I m not God…..and I shouldn’t try to be one ……I have all the human emotional vices …..where …now…jealousy seems to be taking its prime seat !
but should I be blamed ?
if someone takes up the things I love to do ….the stuff I love to work at …..is it extremely twisted to be jealous ?
I m not saying the others should not do the same stuff…..but why take up my right to do the same things ?
They may say I aint that smart ….not good enough ….but everybody has their own good points ….they aren’t bad at everything …..I admit I m not that excellent as the other might be …..but should that make me dispensable ??? I might just have other qualities …..

I guess there the problem lies ….I need to find out where m I good at …
..coz
…now …..I feel quite down …
..these are the times when I feel that I m not good for anything …
.but that’s not true ..I hope ….I hope its just a feeling and it will just go away with time …….

This is not supposed to be a good way to live …

..when down inside you feel sorry for yourself

and yet cant find a way out from this horrible cycle …

.where you feel bad and thus you work up more errors and then people disapprove of your work and you end up being more miserable…..

and the vicious cycle keeps on revolving !

Know what …..now this thing has gone so deep-rooted that when ever anybody praises of something…I keep on feeling that the person is showing sympathy …..and don’t mean them from their heart……

but this is not what supposed to happen in life….I mean …I believe everybody is good at something at least …..you just need to find out that thing !!!
But right now I m just too horribly depressed to think of any good thing …..and the worst of all ……most of my friends are not here……….actually I don’t need them all….I just need one ….my friend …..and I m not feeling good without her …..it just seems impossible to live without her …..but then I have to ……and I m not finding any way out of this ….life is not always what you like it to be …..and you have to accept that !

In pursuit of happiness….when Christofer and his son went to a church …..there was a song saying ……God don’t move the mountain but give me the strength to climb it !

that’s all I ask for ……
to give me the courage to go through life……..
and to know the right things that I want to do with my life……!

statuary warning !!!

When I started this blog…..I thought I had to shut it up in a jig ……who knew I had so much to talk to myself …..geez……you live to learn ya……

Well…today’s topic is …..
hmm…well not exactly a topic
….something like an apology perhaps…..
or hmmm….may be like an disclaimer …..
hmmm…may be not …………………………..
(still searching for the right word to put in …..leave it ........it will take the whole night ya……)

Hmmmm…..so what’s it about …..???
Well…. Lets see….ya ……its about the things that this blog is all about …..and what’s it is not about ……
(Wow …..warning seems to fit right in …….)
Right……lets say this current blabbering is about a statuary warning ! ! !
You see…you got to read all these at your own expense ……..
(…..and please ……don’t send me your counselor ‘s bill…..I m broke myself…..)

Well…now..............
….dont say that you have never been warned……
so …shall we start……????


Anything that you read in this blog is not original !


……everything is being copied, lifted, stolen, extracted , and shamelessly pasted in here……none of the work that you see…is my own creation.

Source…???
Don’t ask me ….I have lost track myself......!
……this plagiarism is so ingrained now that sometimes I copy from my own past copied things ….GOD…!!!
..lack of talent coupled with lack of memory can do blunders !



But then .......still….mostly I copy from the things that I hear……..read…… or watch in films or t.v……………..
right from the Monorama Year Book (….yeah !!!…….I do read that ….sometimes….)
..............to.........................
Stardust (..I read that all the time…..)…..
and from the most arty-carty films in Bengali to the hard-core hindi masala (whats life without spice ya ????)…..
and my fav of all ……the action packed-suspense thriller Hollywood trash……..I gulp them all………I don’t believe in discrimination you see!


So…its like as they say…..this is a work of fiction and has no resemblance with the characters and actions in real life…….dude….I m totally not responsible for the words that you read and the mental trauma that happens afterward……I m no one to blame……


Well..then lets say…
.........this is work of compilation I guess……
and they do say…..
"if ya copy from one its plagiarism…..if ya copy from many …its research ! "
Hmmm…….fits well with my job description !


But then …therez a slight difference ……researchers are not always attached to their work…..they need their degree ……what attachment???
.....but in my case …..though its totally lifted….
(ahhh….lifted sounds so bad ya ……lets called it inspired….shall we??)…
.......I m totally fond of my own theft !
I do love them …..
I can not help myself but to read my own things over and over again......
……and when one mentions even a tiny-miny itsy-bitsy slightest hind of appreciation…..I do blush ! ! !


And the thing is that ….whatever I do pick up ….its because….I share the same feeling with it…..
its just that there are things I want to speak out ……but don’t have the right words to put in place…..
I m not that articulate you see….
.(ohh well…..no body will believe that ……esp. after all this 500 words of non-stop non-sense! )

……but that’s the fact ……and the ultimate motive behind all this………
Its just that ….when ever I see a movie….like it……I try to figure out the reason why I liked it so much…..and when the reason becomes a strong one …I tend to feel that I should keep that wonderful thought somewhere…..and since I m Dr. Loose-Everything-You-Have……I thought of keeping it in the safest place of all ….the net ! in this way …..I will just have to remember my account name and the password…….simple isn’t it ??? you see….I believe that the internet is the greatest thing that man has invented after wheel ! ! !ohh …….that was an accident or what ? that “wheel” thing ???


Never mind ……!
so the moral of the story is that ……
What ???? copying is good ???
No ….you shamuck ……
if anyone likes your work…..thats the best ! ! !….nothing like that! ! !


But what if……anybody doesn’t………… ?



….if anybody doesn’t …….
well.......
this is the safest way to save your own a*&%#@ ……

then there was a man who said, " I never knew what real happiness was untill I got married, and then it was too late".....

Hmmm….horns of dilemma !!!
……I have office work …..n…….I have things to write about …
Now….…what to do ….???
Ohh… what the heck….damm with office work …
what the worst can happen??? ….I will get busted again…or may be kicked out….
still…I m still in for writing the things I want to …..

well………..
have all the people around me gone crazy…..
or are they were all been abducted by aliens ???
geez ……how come they have the same questions in their mind at the same…..????
And that’s
“when are you getting married dear ?”
Yeah, right ! ! ! As if I m in a mood for suicide!
……sometimes I think its just their way of getting revenge or what ……like make the same deadly mistake as they did ……..! wooo hooo …….no way man…….!


I think I m pretty happy the way I m ……
with my mirror-cracking looks and outstanding intellect I m pretty much having the time of my life dear……
ohh except ofcourse of the office thing….there I really suck…..infact I stink almost….
but that’s something one cant help …..you have to suck somewhere…..
you cant be good at everything ……can you ???


Well……if ya weigh my situation from my point of view you might get the logic….at least I hope so ……...which I cant explain to others in a more sane manner than this……..geez …this is one of the many reasons….one of the main reasons……… I took up writing …….you can put your thoughts without someone arguing back…..which is pretty cool…..I think !
Yup…now the logic……
Well……. There’s no logic actually ……if you think of it ……
…..ahhh …..what the heck again….its me against myself…..I have to believe anything I say……
I think I m pretty cool in the way I m …like …..who wants more tension in life dear……when you have enough already…..
when I was in school….I used to get tensed about getting through the class without getting thrown away …..which was pretty tough
…..I would always goof up with my books…..wrongly copy the homework from others……wont do the work in time…..the habit of what still follows me….
When I grew up …..I mean I was in college…..things got tougher…..!
N then…. when I was away from home ……hell broke loose……what type….how much…don’t dare to ask….try surviving a day without family….n then ask……!

Life……work…office…..Jesus !!!…..how much more can you handle at one go???
So it never seemed strange that a girl like me……
(ok…I have to stop referring myself as a girl……I m a woman now……who is now getting old……though not quite growing up actually……)
Well…the truth is that …..it never bothered me…..that I never …never had a boyfriend in my entire life (……well…not quite entire life …you shouldn’t count the days in nappy)……well….never in my adult life!
,,,which now …when I think of it……and esp. when asked about ……..find it quite hard to explain …that why I never had an affair with anyone …..I mean a seriously serious one…….watching the birds don’t count as an affair!
Hmm….
one reason….perhaps the main ……and more logical one might be
my “drop-dead-oh-my-good-lord” looks !
I m always famous for my size ….to say it more politely……which I cant really help…..I mean I can help…..but then why should I ??? I never found a good reason enough to let go the things I love …..n food is one of them! So the thing is that …though I m fit enough to trek around mountains…..I could never fit in a jean…….! Ahh …no regrets there either…..jeans is totally not comfortable ……looks good but totally not comfortable.
May be its because of the brains……which unlike my body……do fit in a pea shell!
Ok ok …..I admit ….I m exaggerating …..its bigger than that…..its perfect for a walnut !!!
But then…..are the looks and the brain the real cause ???
hmm…..I have a friend whose looks are smashing …if I must say so being a girl…
…yet she don’t have one …..
……I have one with the best IQ I have ever seen …..even she has a series of wrong boyfriends…
….I should better not talk about Malinee……who posses both the qualities and yet to have one date till date !

so ,
what’s going wrong in here ???
beats me…..men always say women are enigma…….but I think the feeling is mutual…
…..I have bloody hell no idea what men wants!
Hannibal once told about the 3b principle …..but that’s clearly not working in here !
So ??? may be the problem is much more deeper than just the 3b’s …….may be ……
Well ….frankly …I have no issues about having a relationship…….things are pretty romantic and all…
..it when it comes to marriage …..wedding or rituals……I spook off !
may be its an internal fear…… the deep down core primal fear that I have in marriage …
..and its because of the fact that I don’t think I m pretty much of a wife material!
…..bloody hell man…..I cant even take care of myself…………how m I suppose to take care of an entire family ???
…..dont know ……I believe I wont make a very good wife ……..and that’s a fear I will never get rid off….
when I think of myself ….I find so many mistakes ….
I m not pretty much good at anything other than cooking……I m kinda lazy, procrastinating silly old fool ! yup that’s the picture I have in my mind when I think of myself…..but then everybody is not perfect …..are they?
Even mentally …..if you think of that too……I m not very sound…..I keep forgetting things……I lose track of all the chores to be done…….when I talk of one thing or listen to one ……my mind keeps wondering to hell knows where …..and they are not a very good sign of a sane person ! I have crazy ideas, strangest of thoughts……now that I m thinking of that ….I should go n see a therapist ……I mean ppl take medicines for my kind of symptoms……!
Now to sum up the entire non-sense ……I think it makes pretty sense that I should retain my spinsterhood …..if not for anything………its for the greater good of the mankind …….

Say what ????

……..of course
……until I meet a more lunatic person than I m……
well….
……….then I cant promise anything ! ! ! Can I ? ? ?

and you thought this guy is just abt bikes, beaches n babes !

an amazing video......amazing lyrics.......amazing thoughts.....

n to think of ...where it came from ....is the most amazing thing ........

how you make an opinion abt someone ......n you start believing that your opinion is the real person.....
n then ...
Mercie !
......your world is turned upside down.....

n how wrong I was !.....Jesus !


....hell knows how much I love this guy !..........




its called "everybody's free (to wear sunscreen) by baz lurhman
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh never mind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me,
in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now
how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future;
or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing ....
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss ....
Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end,
it’s only with yourself.


Remember the compliments you receive,
forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch .....
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 yearolds I know still don’t.


Get plenty of calcium.....
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.


Maybe you’ll marry,
maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children,
maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funkychicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…

what ever you do,
don’tcongratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else’s.


Enjoy your body,use it every way you can…
don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…
even if you have nowhere to do it
but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines,
they will only make you feel ugly.


Get to know your parents,
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.


Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once,
but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths,
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old,
and when you do
you’ll fantasize that
when you were young prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.


Don’t mess too much with your hair,
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,
but,
be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.



But trust me on the sunscreen…

I thought I have seen everything…….until I saw you …………..

All my life I have always thought that, there are only two kinds of guys in this world …………….
One……………..with whom you don’t want to talk to ……………
the other………...with whom you want to but cant …

and I thought I have seen everything …….

Until………

………. I met the third kind ………..the kind I believed never exists……. ………………
ohh but I m glad that I was proved wrong …….too glad ! ! !

See…….I don’t claim to be a super-cool or ultra-hot or whatever expert on boys but ……we all are individuals..aren’t we ? ? Every body is unique and we all have our opinions about life in general n boys in particular! ! !

In school, I wasn’t exactly shy …you see....
.....but I was always out of time …
…in the lunch-breaks I was always busy copying down the homework from others ….coz….
….ahem…..ahem……
..….I was not exactly …..ahemm….smart enough …..!
……but that’s not the point …
…..the point is ……I know that homework is supposed to be finished of at home itself…..I mean the word is self-explanatory , isn’t it ????......but the thing is that ……where’s the time man ???? how a girl is supposed to get time when she is busy discovering the Atlantis with Captain Nemo, or solving the Secrets of the Unicorn?????
So my point is that …. I was never exactly popular in the boys side…..or say ….for that matter…..not with the girls either ! ! ! I mean… who on the earth and most importantly ….. why will anybody be interested in talking to a girl who barely passes in her exams ???? and on top of it …….not exactly having materials to win the beauty pageant …..I was always …..ahem ahem …….let me put it this way …….I was, I am, always generously proportionate…….always ….! ! !

So , with a body not exactly resembling any art or intellect of just one grade higher than Obelix , it was easy to slip of to a group called “the expendables”….those …..whom people do ask to join the party out of courtesy but never ever really mind if they don’t show up !

But I too never really gave a damn second thought to that either…..I mean….. the Librarian loved me …and I loved Mr. F. Mulder…….! Who needs anyone else ???

I guess the trouble started only after there was a paradigm shift in the perspective …..or to put it in this way …when I started noticing boys as boys and not as another human being !
Blame the hormones……I was growing up !
and I realized where I stand ! …….. the last one in the line …….!

Even though I try hard to deny……ohh come on …..admit it …….boys do put beauty before brains ! ! !
……and I had neither ! ! !

I mean …the time I realized the effects of pheromone ……the biggest truth I learnt was…..that……
………..”all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, fattening or married to someone else”………………
…….at least all the decent guys were already taken up by the smarter ones of my species !
of course ……….there were other guys !!!….ones who will hit on everything and anything that resembles a girl …..its better not to talk about them …..I mean ….I don’t have a censor board to clip of the offensive words ! ! ! The only one thing I have to say to them is that……there are enough “Kareena Kapoors” out there to satisfy them ……but not me !

………….and the ones that I fancy …..are …well…… beyond my league …….!!!

……but its not the point of having a boyfriend ……but the lack of friends who are boys ……..I mean till date I never have any problem in starting up a conversation with any girl I choose to talk to …….I m always a hit with my friends who always happens to be a girl ! I mean I m not complaining ….but seriously …..I m totally at a loss of what to talk about with a guy …..one of the either thing happens ….. either he doesn’t get my jokes or I don’t know what to comment at his!

…….But then ….I was proved wrong ……..!!!
…….It was like encounter with the third kind !
He is smart, funny, intelligent, witty….ohh come on …I m repeating myself ! ! ……the bottom line is that I never met any guy who can make me laugh and make me think at the same time and with equal intensity ! I had this secret arrogance about myself of knowing things around until I met my match…..in the initial years ……it was like the clash of the titans ……and then gradually I admitted my defeat……and what a sweet defeat it was ! if the other side is competent enough it’s a pleasure to surrender !
He was the first of his clan, with whom I could talk effortlessly …….about anything and everything …….without giving a damn single thought that I m talking to a boy! He is the perfect definition to the term “friend” which is supposed to be a neuter gender! Talking to him was so easy and it felt like I was talking to myself……

Yap, of course……it took time to melt …in his words “melting of the outer shells” ….what kinda chemical reaction made such meltdown …..I have bloody hell no idea….I was never good in science!
………the only thing I know is that I could talk to him freely and actually liked talking to him
…now……….
…how many a times do you have such kind of feeling??? ….not many I guess !!!

And as the time passed by …….it kinda grew into me ……
.and gradually I started expecting …rather than hoping ! …
…you see…
…there is a subtle yet a slight difference between the two!

Expectation grows when you start getting the things that you don’t deserve!.......and I started expecting ………..and then the bad thing happened !
I was hurt !
Actually, I was wondering ……like …….what made me so hurt, so angry with him ? Why was I so mad with him when he didn’t respond the way he always did?

…n I thought n I thought n I thought ………( I mean I really should get a Nobel or something for thinking so much ! )………and the reason turned out to be a simple fact that – I expected from him !

In other words…….translated by other language …..”zayada bhao kha rahi thi “…
I mean …I was associating too much of an importance to an insignificant issue !
…actually the thing is that …..I was used to getting so much of an importance from him…….to a point were I really started becoming greedy ! I mean…..come on…if a child gets a candy every time without even asking, it thinks that getting a candy is its right, forgetting the generosity of the giver! I mean I hate to give an analogy of myself with a child, but that’s exactly what happened!

And I m ashamed of myself for that !


I expected him to keep in touch with me, when I , myself took no efforts to do the same! I expected him to ask me, when I , myself could have asked the same! I expected him to apologize, when I too was guilty of the same charge! And I thought I was hurt, hurt by him…….when in reality ……it was me , who hurt herself!..................

Ohhh……..! ……Ok! Ok! Ok !…………..too much of philosophy!


So ……summing up…..the moral of the story is that ……

….what ?...... don’t expect ???

tck ! nope ! ……
..the moral is that ……..if you expect something from the other, do the same to them ! if you expect someone to call you up, call him up yourself ! if you expect to get a sms, send him one yourself !
Coz I think he is too precious a friend to lose him just like that!

Honestly, how many friends do you have …who politely whispers into your ear a totally horrible “Santa-Banta” joke with a poker face? Now try getting angry to that!.......when in side you are just dying to roll out in laughter ! ! !???! ! !




“……..We always say that we wont expect something from anyone but we do and then we get hurt.We always say that we wont wish for something but we cant stop dreaming and then getting hurt.Sometimes it feel so hurt when you think that your dreams didnt come true and then when you die you take away all your dreams and those LITTLE moments of your life when you really smiled from your heart.Why we get these types of moments in our lives? Some dreams and wishes will be always in your heart which never came true under any circumstances.So why dont we forget it ?
MMMM coz we can NEVER throw those dreams out of hearts............................”

a broken heart...............

When I started this blog, I promised to my self that I would write anything under this sun n above n below it …..but I wont do that …I wont write about love ………and that’s what I did ………….I mean almost 99% of my writing is about that ………….n here I m again writing yet again about the same topic once again …………but I cant really help….this is what I m n I have to write what I m aint it ? I guess so …..!

N today my heart is broken ……….broken once again ………..I really don’t know how it mends itself n yet gets broken again …………….somewhere ages ago …………I read a poem called “If” by Rudyard Kipling ………….n there was a line …………(oooh dammmmm…….I forgot the line ……….no problem .internet mein google hay kis liye ….I will just check out )…….

I will give you the poem at the end …………now get back to my point …….n it is that I broke my heart again ……….:Mon haralo haralo se din ………sono kono ekdin akash batah jure rimjim dekhi “- remember the song by Hemanta Mukherjee………but you see life goes on ……n I would go on too……..its just that there will be one more scar in here ………….n I had to drink those salty waters yet again ……………..

“E kul bhege okul tumi goro jar ekul okul dukul gelo tar lage ki kore o nodi go “ n this song makes me cry n makes me wonder n makes me so sad n makes me feel like dying ………n yet I like this song …….why ? why ? I don’t know there are certain why’s for which I don’t really have any answers , may be the answers are not for me to know ……may be I will get them when I will be very old too old to feel any thing only will have a broken heart …..people say that you grow wiser as you grow ……I think we grow more wiser but we start to feel less…..n you start to think from your head n instead of heart…..which is a good thing …..in one way ……but bad for in so many ways ……..ohhh how youth is wasted in the young ……!

All these things ………..the things that I write now with those salty liquids brimming in my eyes ………..will be read afterwards …..n I will think what a fool I was then ……….so this a document of my foolishness……..proof of my stupidity ……n….why I cried …in fact howled ……..n why was there a painful lump that I so much wanted to throw away……n want to laugh again ……but I cant ……n the letters keep disappearing ……as the keyboard becomes all hazy coz of that god dammmm salty thing that keeps interrupting …..n I don’t know …………may be I should shut up now ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Oooh ! yes ! the poem ………..here it is ………………..


IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,But make allowance for their doubting too;If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,Or being hated, don't give way to hating,And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two impostors just the same;If you can bear to hear the truth you've spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,And lose, and start again at your beginningsAnd never breathe a word about your loss;If you can force your heart and nerve and sinewTo serve your turn long after they are gone,And so hold on when there is nothing in youExcept the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,If all men count with you, but none too much;If you can fill the unforgiving minuteWith sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!